A Quick Poem About Parenting

It seems most of our days have been this way, this year. Thankfully, there’s only a week left of school.

Woke up late

Hair’s a mess

Spilled my coffee

Trying not to stress

Shuffle the kids

Out the door

A routine we’ve done

A hundred times before

They are tired and moody

As am I

Which of us

Will be the first to cry

It can’t be me

Have to stay strong

Set a good example

To break down is wrong


Thanks for reading.

With love,

J♡

Off to a Good Start

Oh yeah! This is the second day in a row! If you read my recent post, you know that this is kind of a big deal to me. Morning stiffness may have made me waddle like a penguin all the way to the coffee pot, but I got my morning cup of happiness before waking the kiddos up. Now, did I shower, dress, fix my hair and makeup yet? Heck no. If you saw what looked like a racoon mixed with a zombie wearing pajamas, driving the kids to school, don’t be frightened. It was just me.

Happy Wednesday, everyone! 😊

With love,

J♡

Not Again…Failing as a Parent

Grrrr and a whole jar full of swear words! I did it again. I slept through the 6 alarms on my phone, the big alarm clock in the bedroom, and both the kiddos’ alarms. My daughter opened my bedroom door at 7:45 (the time we should be walking out the door) and told me the time. I frantically jumped out of bed and went to wake up my son. I was telling both of them “don’t panick, but hurry and get ready”, while trying to hide the fact that I was panicking.

We made it to school just before the second bell rang. There were about 8 other cars in front of us in the drop off lane outside the office. I watched my kiddos get through the front door, but I don’t know if they made through the next doors without having to get a tardy pass.

I feel like I am totally failing as a parent this school year. I remember, I used to wake up around 5:30 each day, despite how late I would go to bed. Now, it doesn’t seem to matter how much sleep I get; I struggle to wake up. I know part of it has to do with my medication that I talked about here, and hopefully I can get that straightened out when I see the physician on Friday.

It is just so frustrating. I feel like I am letting my kids down, jeopardizing their academic success, and causing them unnecessary stress. I’m sorry kiddos; Mommy will get it together soon, I hope.


Wishing you all a stress-free day.

With love,

J♡

2019

I must say that January is off to an interesting start. Back in October, just a week before my surgery, I developed a hoarseness in my voice and a cough. Wanting to make sure I was good to go for surgery day, I made a visit to urgent care just a couple days prior to. I was diagnosed with a nasty sinus infection and given antibiotics. That sinus infection cleared up and I had another one in December, which has also cleared up. Guess what? Still have a hoarse voice and cough and now a stupid rash on my upper body. Can a gal catch a break please? Between this and depression, anxiety and fibromyalgia, I feel like a complete mess right now. The new ailments feed the anxiety, the anxiety feeds the fibro, the fibro feeds the depression…yada yada yada. It’s a vicious little circle.

Yesterday, I felt my anxiety level was heightened without knowing why. I ended up having a “psychogenic movement attack” (I’ll talk more about these another time). Basically what happened is that my upper body tensed up causing me to move in ways I didn’t want to. My neck tightened and wrenched my head sideways, my arms went above my head, my hands were clenched in fists, and tears streamed down my face. I thank God that my husband hadn’t left for work yet, as he knows how to calm me and bring me back from this hell. Though the attack didn’t last long, it was enough to leave me feeling wiped out. I’m happy to say that by the end of the night I was able to go to one of my happy places – my sewing table. That’s when something cute happened that really lifted my mood.

I’ve been making bags/purses and my eight year old daughter is probably the biggest fan of my work. I had just finished a new purse that she really loved, a couple nights before.

She told me last night that she was going to find a way to get $30 (the value she determined) to pay me for this purse. A short while later she walked up and said to me “Mommy, I got a little somethin’ somethin’ for yaaaa”, as she slid a folded up $1 bill on top of the purse. The amount of cuteness in her words, tone and facial expression was almost enough to make me cave. Now with school just starting back this morning, I maaaaay have bribed her instead. I told her I didn’t want her money, but if she could prove to me that she could get ready for bed and stay in bed without calling Mommy in a hundred times, the purse was hers in the morning. Guess who’s got a brand new purse today?!

Today was overall pretty good. Pain and everything else were at a manageable level. As a huge bonus, my husband had the day off, so the four of us got to spend some quality time together. Here’s to hoping tomorrow will be a good day as well.

Thanks for reading my ramblings. 😊

With love,

J♡

Shit Happens

The last few days had been wonderful, but physically and mentally draining. We spent a lot of time with family, celebrating Christmas and that was awesome, but it was a lot of running around on little sleep. Yesterday, I didn’t do much of anything as I’m still sick and my body felt weak. With my dad being in town, I decided this morning that I should tidy up the house in case he decides to come over.

As I was vacuuming the hall, I noticed that one of the kids forgot to flush the toilet…gross. I put down the lid, gave it a flush…then whoosh…water everywhere! It flooded the bathroom and quickly flowed into the hall like a river. I was scrambling to get the vacuum away from the water, shouting all sorts of colorful words and grabbing any towels I could find to make a dam. My husband, who was trying to get out the door for work, plunged the toilet and got it working properly. Because he had to leave, the cleaning was left to me. Both kids felt bad, though neither were taking the blame. I looked at my son and shrugged, “shit happens”. This put a smile on his face. I mopped up the nasty water and took the towels to the washer. As I was loading them in, one those wet towels, splashed me…now I was super grossed out. I finished vacuuming the rest of the house then mopped everything, making sure to go over the bathroom and hall 3 times. At this point, I was out of breath, feeling light headed, and thought I was going to pass out. I think it was a combination of being sick, physical pain, and an anxiety attack all rolled together. I had to sit down for a minute.

Once the floors were dry and germ free, I scrubbed the rest of the kids’ bathroom. Because I had emptied the mop water in my tub, I decided it needed to be scrubbed too. Not thinking, I placed the shower head extension on the floor of the tub, water running, facing away from me. It had other plans. The thing twisted around and shot water in the air, hitting me in the face before proceeding to drench my clothes and the floor. I finished with the tub, dried the floor and finally was able to shower and relax.

This was not the plan I had in mind for today, but that’s okay. Rather than stew over it, I’m going to look at the positives:

  • The floors needed mopped anyway
  • I can check cleaning the bathrooms off my to-do list
  • The house is clean for when my dad comes over this evening

Sometimes in life, shit happens and we just have to try to make the best of it. Thanks for allowing me to share my exciting day with you.

With love,

J♡

My Daughter

Yesterday, my sweet little girl turned eight years old, and unfortunately spent her birthday being sick. I’d like to take a minute, if I may, to tell you about this amazing little person I love and admire.

She really has the biggest heart and an old soul. She had to miss celebrating her birthday with her class, we had to cancel her party with family, and she ended up having to go to urgent care. Yes, she cried some, but it didn’t last long. We tried our best to still make her birthday a good one. We decorated the house, took her to Build A Bear Workshop, and then had pizza. The cake was a surprise at almost midnight after our visit to the urgent care. Guess what? She said she had an ‘amazing’ birthday. Could it have been better? I certainly think so, but this little girl is always trying to find the positive in situations, and is always so appreciative of even the smallest of gestures. This is the little girl who at the age of seven, was telling us all about a growth vs fixed mindset.

She has a deep relationship with God, and the way she prays at times absolutely amazes me. When I was pregnant with her, I was in and out of the hospital from 29 1/2 weeks until they delivered her at 37 weeks. It was a struggle to keep her from making her entrance too soon. I can’t help but to think that this has something to do with her strong faith.

This little girl doesn’t care what other people think. If she wants to pretend she’s a bird in the middle of a crowd, she spreads her wings and soars. If she hears a beat, better believe she’ll bust a move wherever she is.

She amazes me every day. She is one of my reasons for pushing through my struggles. I don’t know what I did to deserve her and her love, but I thank God every day for choosing me to be her mother.

Thanks for allowing me to brag a little.😉

With love,

J♡

Was it Wrong to Become a Mother?

I would like to start by saying that, in no way, shape or form am I judging any other parent or anyone planning on having a family. This post is strictly meant to reflect the battle I have with myself. ‘Am I a bad person for choosing to have children?’ I ask myself quite often.

I have been battling depression and anxiety since I was just a kid myself. I know it doesn’t always run in families, but I can’t help but feel like I’ve doomed them to this destiny and I feel guilty as hell. I remember when my son was about two (first child), I was seeing my doctor to get back on my antidepressant. I was choking up as I asked the doctor if he thought my son would eventually have to take these too. He assured me that it was far to early to think about that, and if/when the time came, we would deal with it then. I am relieved to report that so far, at the ages of eleven and seven, they have not been diagnosed with any mental health issues. I have noticed though, that they are both very emotional children and I can’t help but be a little concerned about what their future may hold.

‘How can I teach them to cope, when I am still learning, myself?’ It’s normal for kids to feel a little anxious/nervous when going somewhere new or being around a large group of people right? But, how do I encourage them to go for it and that it’s ok, when I have spent the last couple of hours trying to build up the courage to go? Even large family gatherings where I know everyone, make me uncomfortable. This is nothing personal against my family, it’s just this feeling that I can’t quite explain.

On particularly down days, when I am struggling to cope with my own thoughts and feelings, or find them in the first place, how do I be a good mother? How do I smile and laugh at all their cuteness when I am feeling so completely empty? How do I have a conversation with them when my mind is everywhere else or nowhere at all?

These are just some of my inner battles as a mom that I will have to conquer one moment at a time. One thing I am sure of though, is that I love these kiddos with all my heart and so I will fight everyday, for them.

With love, J♡