Merrily Panicked

Merry Christmas, friends! I know this year has been a tough one, but I hope that you are finding some peace and joy in the next couple of days.

It happens every year…I gripe about the Arizona summer temperatures, anxiously await Halloween, and then boom, it’s Christmas Eve. I don’t understand why the year seemingly drags on, and then is in fast forward after Halloween. What I do understand, is that just like every other year, it is suddenly Christmas Eve and I am fighting with all my might to not have a meltdown. Don’t get me wrong, I love the get-togethers on Christmas Eve and Day, but the time crunch of it all definitely adds to my stress and anxiety. Thanks to bad pain days, functional Dystonia, and (let’s face it) my inner procrastinator, I am left scrambling tonight to finish wrapping gifts, wishing I had made more homemade gifts, and baking cookies for Santa with the kids. I’m trying to decide when would be the best time to shower. I’m contemplating skipping a dose of my meds so I don’t sleep in too late. I’ve considered taking it earlier, but if I do, it will make me tired and there’s just too much to do. We’re on a time schedule to get to family’s house in the morning, which means we need to wake up early in order to not be rushed through our Christmas at home. I know these things I’m stressing over may not seem like a huge deal, but for me they are overwhelming. I can feel a dystonic episode brewing and I am praying it stays at bay. I’m a bit like a computer…too many commands and I’m bound to freeze up and shut down. This is also problematic when it comes to get-togethers. The multiple conversations taking place in one room, the crinkling of wrapping paper being ripped away, and any type of background noise…it’s a complete sensory overload. Sensory overload, equals lights on, no one is home.

Well, I better get back to the ‘to-do’ list before I short circuit; I’ve already spent more time on this post than I alloted myself.

Wishing you all a wonderful, joy filled, safe, and stress free holiday. God bless.

With love,

J♡

I’ve Been Slacking – Update Time

Oops! I didn’t realize I let so many days pass without posting. So let’s see, what has been going on around here?

Well, there’s this…

Soooo close to THE day! I’m down to my last pain killer. Actually, a quarter of a pain killer, which in a way is a good thing. No pain pill means that pain will really build up, and while I’m not thrilled about that, it will allow me to really see just how well this scs device works. Yesterday was a bad pain day, today was worse, and I’ll have to wait and see what tomorrow brings. I can only hope and pray that it plays nice. I am contemplating doing some YouTube videos during my trial to give updates. Maybe it would help others who are considering or about to go through this procedure. I’m not one for public speaking though and that is close enough to it. Plus, I’ve never liked the sound of my own voice on video or phone, ha. I’ll let you know what I decide.

The kids have been gone since Friday night. They are now on vacation with their grandparents, soaking up beautiful weather and ocean waves. Here’s the purse (finished) that I made for my daughter.

She absolutely loved it! Then again, that girl would be thrilled to receive a crayon drawn heart on a piece of paper.

I did also make that backpack I talked about, for my son. He liked it, but his response of cool, thanks, is more his personality.

A pocket on the inside for smaller things:

Maybe he’ll use it, maybe not, but at least he has it just in case. Either way, I had fun with these projects.

It’s been a little strange not having the kids home, but kind of nice. Do I miss them? Heck yeah! Am I also enjoying the calm in the house? Oh yeah! Any parent that says they can’t stand to be away from their kid, is either a brand new parent or from a different planet. I’m teasing. It is nice though, to have some downtime and take care of me for a bit. Speaking of which, my sweet husband told me yesterday that I should go and get my hair cut if I wanted and buy a box of color if I like. I did, and it felt wonderful! I’m working on growing my hair out, but it was close to mullet status…no thanks! A quick cut had me feeling much better already. I picked out a deep red color and dyed it at home. Add a little makeup and I felt genuinely happy and girly. When you’re in pain and such, a lot of days are filled with messy hair and pajamas. So even though I didn’t have plans, just getting a fresh look made me feel more human. Does that make sense?

I suppose that is all for now. Hugs to whoever may need one. Wishing you all a great day/night.

With love,

J♡

You Say

You Say by J♡

You don’t want to know what I have to say

You say you’re trying to keep negativity away

Well this is a part of me, but pay attention and there’s more you’d see

You don’t understand because it’s not affecting your life

It’s changed mine, but I put up a hell of a fight

If only you’d read the words on your screen

You’d see what I’ve accomplished and be proud of me

I’m finding my passion while hopefully helping another

Something you’d notice if only you’d bother

I’m exhausted trying to get your attention

I’ve wasted tears just hoping you would listen

You say you want negativity out of your life

So when you ask how I am, I’ll tell you I’m alright

I will tell you that I’m doing fine

If only for your own peace of mind


Thank you for reading.

With love,

J♡

Another Arts and Crafts Day

Our daughter has been a little apprehensive about going on vacation without us. She says she’ll miss us too much. I want her to go and have a great time. She’ll be able to swim, make sandcastles, and spend quality time with her grandparents. I thought that maybe making her a purse to take on vacation would help. I headed over to my mom’s house today, to spend some mom and daughter time, and paint the jean purse I made. It’s not done yet, but I think she’s going to like it!

See that iced coffee? That’s crafting fuel. Yummy!

Now, I just need to figure out something to make our son to take on vacation. I’m thinking a drawstring backpack. We’ll see.

And then there’s this quick little craft: one of those countdown paper chains.

I made it because I’m anxious for the procedure, but also because my inner child still likes playing with paper and glue. Who am I to argue?

Wishing you all a great night/day.

With love,

J♡

I Hope This Makes You Smile

I guess I technically missed my Monday post, as it is now almost 1am. Oops…I really am trying to stay on track. Anyway, I just wanted to share a couple pictures of my daughter, in hopes that it will bring a smile to your face like it did mine.

Remember this sweater from my Christmas pajamas? My daughter tried it on tonight. I must say she makes an adorable sloth. I may or may not have (totally did) fueled my kids’ obsession with sloths. ☺

With love,

J♡

A Random Post for Sunday

This is so true for me. I used to be a morning person and actually hated sleeping in. Now, I sleep in when possible and need multiple naps a day.

This may also be accurate.

I was asked by the lady at the gas station if I was from Arizona and if by chance my name was Donna. Apparently I have a doppelganger from Kansas…or was it Arkansas? Either way, pretty cool!

After a good pain day yesterday, I was hoping today would be good also. It started off rough but got a little easier, so I can’t complain too much.

Time to finish watching Spider-man Into the Spider-verse with the kiddos.

Have a great night/day, friends.

With love,

J♡

My Life, This Thursday

I feel accomplished today, but oh so drained and my body absolutely hates me. Today was one of those days where I pushed to do more than I can handle. I tidied up the house, vacuumed, mopped, took out the trash, showered, did some laundry, and most importantly kept the kids alive. I know that for many people, those tasks are no big deal, completing them multiple times a week and then some, but that’s not my world anymore. I feel like I have just worked a forty hour week. I don’t say this for sympathy or a pat on the back; I say it as a reminder to myself that I am doing the best I can and that is good enough. I often find myself feeling guilty that I don’t accomplish more daily, or compare myself to other people who tackle so much more in life. I’m trying to break this habit since it only hurts my mental and physical well being.

I found out today, that my primary insurance has approved the spinal cord stimulation trial, and now we’re just waiting for approval from our secondary insurance. The woman who handles all of this at the pain clinic, said she would get an update and get back to me by Tuesday, as she will be out of the office until then. I said to her, “sorry, I don’t mean to be a pain in the butt, I’m just anxious for pain relief”. She responded with “no, you’re fine, I completely understand”. What a sweetheart! The healthcare world needs more people like her.

My kids are amazing. I feel guilty so often that I am not the mother I would like to be, for them. They are so understanding and helpful when they know I am hurting really bad or am exhausted. They don’t mind when I need a nap and often times insist that I take one. I don’t even think they realize how much this means to me, though I try to tell them often.

I got bit by so many mosquitos today, that I am convinced there must have been on sign on me reading, All You Can Eat Buffet. When Noah was told to take two of each living creature on the arc, are we sure that mosquitoes were on the list? I need more Citronella candles asap.


Another pain pill in my body for the night and I’m ready to just do nothing.

Wishing you all a Happy whatever day it is, depending on where you are in the world. Take care, friends.

Images from http://Pixabay.com

With love,

J♡

My Tuesday

Positives for today:

  • My daughter had an awards ceremony in her classroom. She received three awards. She has kept all A’s this school year, and I am so very proud of her. Seeing her face light up when we walked into her classroom was so sweet. The parents of the other three kiddos at her table, could not be there today, so I got to enjoy the stories they shared with me instead.
  • My son had his 6th grade promotion ceremony this evening. There have been many struggles with school up until now, but it is amazing how much he has grown in that time. I am very proud of the young man he is becoming. I can’t believe he’ll be moving on to junior high in the fall. I have to admit, when the principal announced them as the class of 2025, I suddenly felt old. I think it’s neat that he will graduate twenty years after me.
  • My foot and ankle felt much better for most of the day.
  • I got to spend some family time this evening.
  • I accomplished a lot of the housework I’d been neglecting.

Negatives for today:

  • I didn’t get a nap
  • I spent most of the afternoon and evening with a migraine.
  • After all the activity today, I was in so much I felt like screaming.
  • It’s now midnight, which means I technically failed to post before the day was over…grrr. I will do better tomorrow.

Well, that is all. My pain pill is kicking in and I’m tired. Thanks for reading my babbles. Have a great day/night, all.

With love,

J♡

I’m a Party Animal

Okay, no. That was a lie. My grandma has a better social life than I do, no joke. Normally, my Saturday involves staying in my pajamas and drinking coffee all day, but today I went to a party.

Actually, it was an end of the year party for the 6th graders, that my son was invited to. His friend planned this fun shindig, and his mom, being a friend I made last year, invited me to stay. It was a last minute party, so I didn’t hear about it until Thursday. I don’t do well with last minute things, but being they are friends, it was much easier to accept the invitation. I brought a friend with me though…anxiety. Oh boy, is she fun. The three of us, my son, anxiety and I, walked through the house to the backyard. There must have been fifty kids, half of whom were taller than me. A few other moms were there as well, but I did not know them. Anxiety kept telling me to bolt for the car, but I slapped her and told her we’re doing this. I tried to make myself useful and help put out the snacks. I made chit-chat with the other moms, who were actually very nice. At times I did find myself sitting or standing alone, not sure if I should flee, but I stayed and actually had a really nice time. My back was killing me by the end, but it felt good to get out and socialize, rather than sit like a lump at home. Better yet, my son had a great time!

Anxiety might be an unwanted tag along, but I’m slowly learning to show her who’s boss. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to put on my pajamas and have some coffee. 😊

With love,

J♡