Uh Oh!

Oh yes, I’ve done it! I’ve broken the rules. I’ve become a rebel. I’ve put up the Christmas tree before Thanksgiving (gasp!), and you know something…I don’t feel bad about it. Not. One. Bit. This has been a really rough year, and I am ready to be in the Christmas spirit. While I pieced together the artificial pine and wrapped it in lights, I added my off-key vocals to the sweet sound of the Christmas classics. We may wait until after Thanksgiving to add the ornaments, and that would be okay. Just putting up the tree and staring at it’s glow in a dark room was just the mood lift I needed, and oh boy did I need it.

When I saw the neurologist last week, he and I decided that it would be a good idea to increase my antidepressant (one of them). I know that it takes a while for these things to build up in your system. If ever there was a time when I needed it to happen quickly, it’s now. I have felt myself slipping back into my darker depression days and if I’m honest, it was worrying me. Old, unhealthy coping mechanisms were just one impulse move away. I fought hard to push those thoughts and urges away, and more than once cried out to God ‘I need your help’. He heard my cries and saved me from myself like he’s done so many times before. I know that my depression is a daily battle, but I also know that I don’t have to fight it alone. I wish this was something I realized many years ago when self harm was the weapon of choice in my battle.

While I enjoy the beauty of the tree lighting up the room tonight, I will focus on the real Light in my darkness and be thankful for His love. You all are in my thoughts and prayers. If you’re in a battle right now, keep fighting; you’re not alone.

With love,

J♡

Let the Storm Come

Let the winds come

Stir up this pain

Let it dance among the leaves

Be carried away

Let the clouds roll in

Cover the hurt

Let it be shadowed

Blend with the earth

Let the thunder sound

Blend with the cries

Let it play in your orchestra

To the beat that’s inside

Let the rain pour

Collide with tears

Let them fall to the ground

Along with the fears

Let the lightning flash

Illuminate all that is good

Let it outshine the despair

Just like it should

Let the storm come

Repair this soul

Let it be renewed

Make it feel whole


Thank you for reading. Wishing you all well.

With love,

J♡

The Letter I Mentioned

An open letter:

Dear _________,

I bet you never thought you would hear from me, huh? Many years ago, I’m sure this letter would look quite different. Years ago, I would have written words out of anger, disgust and hurt. Today, I am writing this letter to tell you that I forgive you. I’ll never know why you made the choices you did, and I don’t want or need to. What you did to me was wrong and yes, it caused emotional damage, not only for me, but the entire family. I was blessed to be able to rekindle the relationship with Aunt ________ that you stole. You may have caused great pain, but with God I have been able to turn that pain into an incredible strength. I have given it all to Him and no longer hold feelings of ill will. I forgive you. I will never know if those words mean anything to you, and that is okay. I pray that you have changed your ways and asked God for forgiveness. The last I heard, your health was not great. I will pray for your healing. God bless.

Nikki

Watch Out, Gym Buffs

Oh sure people who regularly lift at the gym are impressive. They can flex their biceps, triceps and any other “eps”. But can they flex their face? I don’t just mean when they smile, frown or grimace as they really work those muscles. Can they flex their face? Well I can…apparently.

Late Sunday afternoon we were heading to my in-laws’ house. It was going to be especially nice, because our nieces and nephews would be there and we hadn’t seen them in months. Having all the family together was a “good stress”, but I was already stressing (the bad kind) about other life things. Before we left the house I was feeling that familiar build-up before a dystonic episode. I was hopeful that it would pass, but the feeling only intensified on the thirty minute drive over. I could feel the corner of my mouth pulling and my limbs beginning to tighten. Once parked in front of their house, I looked at my husband, “I think I need a minute”. My face was still pulling. My fingers had clenched around the sweater I had set beside me. My husband sent the kids inside, freed the sweater from my grasp, then proceeded to work on the rest of my muscles. While he was trying to trick my leg muscles into releasing, the muscles in my face decided it was their time to shine. The muscles around my eyes and cheekbones felt as though they were being pulled down to my chin. My jaw locked shut and I could not speak. The pain was so intense and all I could do was cry. My husband was frantically trying to figure out what was hurting the most. At first, he thought maybe he had hurt my leg while trying to relax those muscles. I was able to finally sputter out, “ma fa hur” (my face hurts). He did the best he could to massage the muscles. Once my legs were at least able to function, he helped me inside the house. It took some time for the rest of the episode to pass, but once it did we enjoyed the time spent with family. I of course, was wiped out and sore the rest of the day and the following one. My face felt as if I had spent hours at the dentist and then took a basketball to the face. It is still a bit sore now. My husband told me that my face looked strange during that episode, that he could see all the muscles pulling, like someone flexing their arms. So there you have it, I can flex my face…watch out bodybuilders, my strength game is strong.

With love,

J♡

Fighting, With Help

I try my hardest to smile for you

You know me so well, that you see right through

Beyond the laughter and words I speak

You uncover the secrets I try to keep

I was afraid my demons, would scare you away

You reassured me that, you are here to stay

You told me that, you’ll love me forever

And through all the storms, we’d walk together

I know with your help, I’ll be alright

So one more day, I’ll continue to fight


Thanks for reading. You are not alone…keep fighting. Sending a big hug to whoever needs one. 💌

With love,

J♡

When Constant Pain Isn’t Enough

Last night as I stood up to leave the garage, I realized that my foot and lower leg had fallen asleep. This happens quite often, so I figured, no big deal, just be careful walking. The first step was a bit clumsy. Step two with the opposite foot was fine. I went to take the third step, and my foot didn’t want to leave the ground. It also couldn’t support my weight, and down to the concrete floor I went. I fell on my right side, hurting my wrist, knee, ankle and foot. Coffee splashed out of my cup and on to my phone. “OUCH” and then I hollered for my husband. He ran to me quickly, scooped me up, and put me on the couch with an ice pack. I was already on a pain killer when this took place, but the pain was still there. I didn’t sleep well last night due to the pain. I’m not sure if I sprained my foot or just bruised it really good; I just know that it still hurts today, especially with activity. I’m going to give it another day, and then maybe consider having it checked out.

On a happy note, here’s a picture I took tonight. See that teeny, tiny bright spec at the top?

That is the International Space Station. It was pretty cool watching it cross the sky. Also, see those clouds? Yes, it was a cloudy day with a high of 76 degrees; almost unheard of for this time of year in Arizona. I am loving it!

I hope you all had a wonderful (less clumsy) day!

With love,

J♡

Please Don’t

Don’t assume that because I’m smiling, surely I must be happy. Sometimes it takes all that I have to wear a smile, but if you look into my eyes, you will see that they disagree.

Don’t assume that the things I did yesterday, I will be capable of doing today. My pain is unpredictable and always present. It can change from one minute to the next. It is likely that yesterday’s activities have drained me of my energy and my pain tolerance will be lower today. It may take me three days to get back to where I was yesterday.

Don’t insist that the treatments your aunt, friend, or coworker used will help me just because it helped them. We may have the same illnesses, but how they affect an individual varies greatly. If you think I haven’t tried remedy a, b and c, you are mistaken.

Don’t tell me the things I should do to “cure” my fibromyalgia. I’m not giving up, but a cure doesn’t exist at the moment (do your research). I accept that fibro is now a part of my life and do the best I know how to keep moving forward.

Don’t assume that I am exaggerating how I feel to get out of plans or responsibilities. The amount of guilt I feel each and every day, is more than you can imagine. I feel like a burden. I’m no longer invited to social events. I feel like I let people down constantly.

Don’t mock or continuously question my illnesses just because you don’t understand them. If I try to explain them to you or give you resources to read, listen to me and read the information. If that still doesn’t satisfy you, there are plenty other resources online.

Don’t tell me I should just be more positive. I’m trying my absolute hardest; I promise.

Don’t tell me that others have it far worse than I do. I’m well aware of this and trust me, I feel guilty when I complain. This doesn’t mean however, that my struggles are not valid.


Rant over. Thank you for allowing me to vent. Sending big hugs to whoever may need one.

With love,

J♡

Scars

Scars

By J♡

Scars are beautiful

Offering a glimpse of who we are

What we’ve been through

How we’ve come so far

Some will stay until the end

Others fade as a new chapter begins

How we acquire our beautiful marks

May not be beautiful at the start

But as for me and my scars

I wish for them to stay just as they are

They tell a story of who I am

Battles I faced and where I’ve been

They remind me of what I now know

And the dark places I wish not to go


Thanks for reading.

Image: Pixabay

With love,

J♡

Storm

Storm

By J♡

She felt as though

She was falling apart

As the thunder rumbled

The tempo slowed

Within her heart

Clouds pulled together

Her worries drifted apart

As the sky darkened

Her eyes lit up

Her spirit came alive

When lightning struck

As rain poured down

Her tears stopped flowing

During the storm

Her spirit was glowing


Thank you for reading.

Image credit: Pixabay

With love,

J♡

Pill Bottle Fort

I kind of feel like building a fort out of all the empty pill bottles I’ve hoarded, and staying in there all day with a nice cozy blanket. My mood is meh, I woke up with a migraine, and fibro is being a bully…waaaah 😢.

The ones that decorated the top of the fridge

Since this is not realistic, I will push through and clean/organize the house instead today. I suppose I’ll finally get rid of the empty bottles too.

I wish I were a sloth.

Take care, friends.

With love,

J♡