Fighting, With Help

I try my hardest to smile for you

You know me so well, that you see right through

Beyond the laughter and words I speak

You uncover the secrets I try to keep

I was afraid my demons, would scare you away

You reassured me that, you are here to stay

You told me that, you’ll love me forever

And through all the storms, we’d walk together

I know with your help, I’ll be alright

So one more day, I’ll continue to fight


Thanks for reading. You are not alone…keep fighting. Sending a big hug to whoever needs one. 💌

With love,

J♡

When Constant Pain Isn’t Enough

Last night as I stood up to leave the garage, I realized that my foot and lower leg had fallen asleep. This happens quite often, so I figured, no big deal, just be careful walking. The first step was a bit clumsy. Step two with the opposite foot was fine. I went to take the third step, and my foot didn’t want to leave the ground. It also couldn’t support my weight, and down to the concrete floor I went. I fell on my right side, hurting my wrist, knee, ankle and foot. Coffee splashed out of my cup and on to my phone. “OUCH” and then I hollered for my husband. He ran to me quickly, scooped me up, and put me on the couch with an ice pack. I was already on a pain killer when this took place, but the pain was still there. I didn’t sleep well last night due to the pain. I’m not sure if I sprained my foot or just bruised it really good; I just know that it still hurts today, especially with activity. I’m going to give it another day, and then maybe consider having it checked out.

On a happy note, here’s a picture I took tonight. See that teeny, tiny bright spec at the top?

That is the International Space Station. It was pretty cool watching it cross the sky. Also, see those clouds? Yes, it was a cloudy day with a high of 76 degrees; almost unheard of for this time of year in Arizona. I am loving it!

I hope you all had a wonderful (less clumsy) day!

With love,

J♡

Please Don’t

Don’t assume that because I’m smiling, surely I must be happy. Sometimes it takes all that I have to wear a smile, but if you look into my eyes, you will see that they disagree.

Don’t assume that the things I did yesterday, I will be capable of doing today. My pain is unpredictable and always present. It can change from one minute to the next. It is likely that yesterday’s activities have drained me of my energy and my pain tolerance will be lower today. It may take me three days to get back to where I was yesterday.

Don’t insist that the treatments your aunt, friend, or coworker used will help me just because it helped them. We may have the same illnesses, but how they affect an individual varies greatly. If you think I haven’t tried remedy a, b and c, you are mistaken.

Don’t tell me the things I should do to “cure” my fibromyalgia. I’m not giving up, but a cure doesn’t exist at the moment (do your research). I accept that fibro is now a part of my life and do the best I know how to keep moving forward.

Don’t assume that I am exaggerating how I feel to get out of plans or responsibilities. The amount of guilt I feel each and every day, is more than you can imagine. I feel like a burden. I’m no longer invited to social events. I feel like I let people down constantly.

Don’t mock or continuously question my illnesses just because you don’t understand them. If I try to explain them to you or give you resources to read, listen to me and read the information. If that still doesn’t satisfy you, there are plenty other resources online.

Don’t tell me I should just be more positive. I’m trying my absolute hardest; I promise.

Don’t tell me that others have it far worse than I do. I’m well aware of this and trust me, I feel guilty when I complain. This doesn’t mean however, that my struggles are not valid.


Rant over. Thank you for allowing me to vent. Sending big hugs to whoever may need one.

With love,

J♡

Scars

Scars

By J♡

Scars are beautiful

Offering a glimpse of who we are

What we’ve been through

How we’ve come so far

Some will stay until the end

Others fade as a new chapter begins

How we acquire our beautiful marks

May not be beautiful at the start

But as for me and my scars

I wish for them to stay just as they are

They tell a story of who I am

Battles I faced and where I’ve been

They remind me of what I now know

And the dark places I wish not to go


Thanks for reading.

Image: Pixabay

With love,

J♡

Storm

Storm

By J♡

She felt as though

She was falling apart

As the thunder rumbled

The tempo slowed

Within her heart

Clouds pulled together

Her worries drifted apart

As the sky darkened

Her eyes lit up

Her spirit came alive

When lightning struck

As rain poured down

Her tears stopped flowing

During the storm

Her spirit was glowing


Thank you for reading.

Image credit: Pixabay

With love,

J♡

Pill Bottle Fort

I kind of feel like building a fort out of all the empty pill bottles I’ve hoarded, and staying in there all day with a nice cozy blanket. My mood is meh, I woke up with a migraine, and fibro is being a bully…waaaah 😢.

The ones that decorated the top of the fridge

Since this is not realistic, I will push through and clean/organize the house instead today. I suppose I’ll finally get rid of the empty bottles too.

I wish I were a sloth.

Take care, friends.

With love,

J♡

The Box

The Box

By J♡

I’m so overwhelmed

Not sure how much

More I can take

Our presence is expected

So another day I must fake

Take the depression

Shove it into a box

Along side anxiety and pain

Make sure it stays locked

Until I’m once again

Behind closed doors

Unpacking my box

While tears hit the floor

Carrying around this heavy box

Once opened again

It holds twice the amount

Of what I put in

And carried around

That’s the burden

Of turning my frown

Upside down


Thanks for reading.

With love,

J♡

Sloths Help

These last couple of days have been kicking my butt. On top of the issues that are already present, I’ve been sick. I don’t know what it is, but I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. Maybe this isn’t a fair statement, since thankfully, I’ve never been hit by one? Anyway…

Sometimes when I need a little pick-me-up (and right now, I do), I look at pictures and videos of sloths. What’s not to love about their adorable smiling faces?! They are my favorite animal and I’m hoping that one day I’ll get the chance to hold one!

A few fun facts for you:

  • Sloths can travel on land only 6-8 feet per minute, but are great swimmers and move faster in water.
  • They have an extremely slow digestive system and their diet provides minimal energy.
  • The two-toed sloth is slightly larger than the three-toed.
  • Algae grows on the fur of sloths. To their advantage, the green color helps them blend in and stay safe from predators.

That’s all for now.😊 Back to my videos…

Is there something that helps lift your spirits (even if it’s only for a moment)?

With love,

J♡

Back Pain: My Frenemy

I hope this weekend is treating you well.

Low Back Pain and I met sometime around 2008. From then until sometime in 2017, we had many adventures together. We accompanied each other to get-togethers with doctors, we attended multiple physical therapy sessions together and we even took pictures together in those fun photo booths (mri and ct) on several occasions. The more time we spent together though, I felt the need to escape my new friend. I tried to declare my need for independence, but Back Pain insisted on sticking around. Now, she had already made daily responsibilities difficult, and insisted that I not work anymore (she had help with this from Fibromyalgia) and I was becoming more and more fed up with her company. We sought counseling at a surgeon’s office once in 2016, but the surgeon took her side and said I was stuck with her; there was nothing she could do for us. Over the next year, Back Pain and I continued on as we had before. We took more photos together, but I was in tears as she smiled. We finally got another counseling appt with a different surgeon in 2017, and I thought, this is it…freedom. Only, our insurance wasn’t accepted, so we left with me in tears and frustration and Back Pain just laughing. A few weeks later, we tried again with a new surgeon and guess what?! He took my side! He was going to free me of my unwanted friend, or at least make us long distance friends.

I had my first surgery July 2017, an ALIF (anterior lumbar interbody fusion). Things were going well for a while but I ended up with a new pain from si (sacroilliac) joint dysfunction. Almost one year to date, I had a second surgery to fuse the si joint on the right side.

I am scheduled to have the left side fused this Monday morning. I’ve never been so excited for a Monday! I’m hoping that this third and hopefully last surgery will be the end to my friendship with Back Pain.

With love, J♡

Finding Beauty in Pain

It’s true, being in constant pain day after day sucks. Living with it for years is exhausting, and yes there are days where I can’t possibly imagine having to live this way for another fifty plus years. Having said this, there are also reasons that I am thankful for the pain.

Pain changes people, but it doesn’t have to all be negative changes. At this moment, I’m choosing to acknowledge the positive ways that pain has changed me.

Pain has made me more patient and understanding when those around me are in pain. Knowing what it feels like and how frustrating it can be to not meet the expectations you have for yourself or that others have for you, I am now more understanding when someone needs to cancel or change plans or simply rest.

I’ve become thankful for the pain in that, while yes it hurts, at least I have all of my body parts. Others are not so fortunate. I am alive another day and able to feel; that is certainly worth thanking God for.

It’s been quite a while since I’ve been able to work, due to pain. While this is financially a burden on my family, it has allowed me to be more present in my children’s lives. It has also allowed me to discover my love for sewing, painting, jewelry making, and writing (my escapes from pain and depression). With any luck, maybe these things will turn into something I can use to contribute financially.

Pain has made me stronger. I have made it through 100% of my bad days and I will make it through the next one. I am also stronger in my faith. Living in constant pain I’ve learned to lean on God more than ever.

Yes, pain sucks, but if you can find the beauty in it, fighting through it might become a little easier. I would love to know, what beauty do you find in your pain?

With love, J♡