A Small Fear

At some point roughly twelve years ago, things changed. My brain and body had a little meeting. I imagine it went something like this:

Brain: *sips coffee* I have an idea. Handling J’s stress the “normal” way is getting boring. What if we shake things up a bit?

Body: What kind of stress?

Brain: Any! Mental, physical. Shoot, even strong happy emotions! What do ya say?

Body: What do you have in mind?

Brain: We’re going to work together to make her muscles tighten up and move in ways she didn’t know was possible. We’ll call it Psychogenic Dystonia!

Body: I don’t know. What if she doesn’t like that? What if it causes problems for her?

Brain: It’ll be fine. She’ll learn to deal with it. Besides that, we’re in charge.

Body: Okay, I’m in.

*They cheers a cup of coffee*

The mind is a beautiful and powerful thing. Why mine really chose to handle stress the way it does, I do not know. I know that God is in control so I try not to let fears of uncertainty get to me, but there’s something that sits at the back of my mind. What if one day, my brain decides to switch things up again? What if it decides that a better coping mechanism would be to add other personalities, intrusive thoughts, or hallucinations? My heart goes out to all those with borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, and all other mental health conditions. You are strong and amazing.

I’m giving this fear to God and will trust that He will be with me, no matter what kind of shenanigans my brain and body get into.

Be well, dear friends. Hugs to whoever needs one.

With love,

J♡

I Cannot Spill the Beans

Oh hello there, lovelies!  How are you?  I would love to tell you that I have some amazing excuse for my absence, but that would be a lie.  More than anything, the guilt I’ve felt about not posting had me contemplating quitting my blog altogether or starting over. I did what I seem to do best, avoid the issue and then apologize (again) for my absence.  I realize that at some point you may tire of all my “I’m sorry” posts.  So if you’re still here to share in my journey, from the bottom of my heart, thank you! I will try to do better.
There’s been many things taking an emotional toll on me lately and I’m trying so hard to stay upbeat, but you guys, I’m struggling. Because some of these things involve other people, I need to be respectful of their privacy. I don’t know if you all know this, but I’m kind of a self-proclaimed expert bottler; and so I will use my expertise to bottle up these emotions as well.  As for the issues that are not so personal…I’m sure you all have noticed how much hate and division there seems to be everywhere you look.  People are so divided about politics, the pandemic, equality and so on.  People are arguing and name calling constantly.  I try to just stay in my own little bubble and not let other people’s actions affect me, but it’s heartbreaking to see/hear.  When did we become so focused on being right that we forgot to care about and love one another?  When did we lose our ability to have civilized conversations and learn from each other?  I know we can all do better.  For now, I will concentrate on seeing the good in people and do what I can to show kindness to those I interact with.  Taking a break from social media may be a good idea as well.
On to the health stuff.  Fibromyalgia continues to be a pain in my – everything.  I’m feeling as though I must be in a flare because some days, it feels like I’ve been hit by an 18-wheeler.  Side note – that’s never happened – maybe not a fair comparison.  The pain clinic thought it would be a good idea to go back on pain killers for a bit.  Good ol’ insurance has me waiting until they receive prior authorization.  I have my muscle relaxers, but they don’t do much for me.  Unfortunately, I’m still having my attacks (Psychogenic Dystonia). Although they are less frequent, they still hit pretty hard each time.  Several of these episodes left me so sore that I was sure I had pulled a muscle or two.  Let’s talk about laughing until (or while) you cry.  Pseudo Bulbar Affect…uncontrollable laughing and or crying that is not appropriate for the circumstance.  I hate these episodes more than the dystonia.  I hyperventilate, sweat like crazy, and then sob between fits of laughter.  I feel like I’m not in control and it scares me.  I’m so thankful that these episodes don’t occur very often.  The neurologist said there is a medicine he could give me, but I really don’t want any more meds.  I think I’ll hold off as long as possible.  I really don’t leave the house much, so I’m not too concerned about the embarrassment these cause.  My kiddos understand them, but it does scare them a little.  They try to leave the room when possible to offer me some privacy and allow me to not feel like such a spectacle.  I’m sure there is more I wanted to share with you, but the thought train seems to be leaving the the station without me.
Anyway, I really hope you all are doing well and staying healthy and happy. God bless you and yours.

With love,
J♡

Reintroducing Myself

So often over the last decade, I have found myself saying I miss the old me. Which old me was I missing though? Was it the grade school me, who really didn’t know anything? Was it the high school me, who cared what everyone thought, was self conscious, felt like a burden and was lonely? Was it the me who would self harm in a desperate attempt to feel in control of something? No, these were not versions of myself that I liked very much.

After thinking about it more, the me that I was missing, was the me I am supposed to be. I am still figuring out who that is, but I’m finally enjoying the process. Now that I have been on my new medicine for a while, my appetite remains that of a teenager, my weight is staying up, I have more energy, and for the most part my mood is good. I think I really like this me that is emerging, flaws and all. Having said that, I feel like now would be a good time to reintroduce myself.

Today was a good day.

Hi, my name is Nicole, but most of my family calls me Nikki or Nik. Of course I will still answer to J or Jo (as some of you sweetly nicknamed me). I have a wonderful husband and two kiddos that stole my heart. To be honest, my favorite nickname is the one they call me…Mommy. I am currently 33 years old (though sometimes I have to really think about it) and living in Arizona. I was born and raised here, with the exception of a couple years after I was born, living in Pennsylvania until my parents divorced. It really isn’t where I want to be, at least not in the valley. I long to live somewhere that is surrounded by green, has all four seasons and rains often. I love cloudy days and thunderstorms. Those are my favorite days and are especially good for crafting. My sewing table is one of my happy places. I also enjoy painting and doing any kind of crafts. Hot glue guns are fun…and dangerous…careful, boys and girls. I love to dance and sing, though I’m not particularly good at either. Actually, there are some that may argue that I’m tone deaf. I consider myself a shy person, but around people I am comfortable with I am quite the goofball. I have an addiction to coffee, dark chocolate, and mixed-berry smoothies. I am a woman of faith and have seen God’s love work through all of my pain. He has saved me from myself more than once. I do not talk politics with anyone outside of my immediate family. Please do not ask me to do so; I’ve seen friendships and families fall apart over them. Anxiety, depression, POTS, psychogenic dystonia and fibromyalgia are things I will talk about most, because they are a part of my daily life. I will also share bits of randomness with you, like pictures of sloths (my favorite), just to lighten the mood. I used to be so self conscious, that I could take plenty of “selfies” and decide that none of them were good enough to share with anyone – forehead is too big, smile isn’t right, too many smile lines, etc. I’m learning how to love those things too and stop worrying so much. God made me the way He wanted and I need to appreciate that. Plus, I want to share my story with you and that means the not so pretty stuff too. I want to show you the real me and what life is like in that particular moment.

When I began blogging, I wasn’t sure anyone would really care what I have to say. What I’ve learned so far is that there are people who do enjoy reading my words and have found them helpful. If I can help a single person by sharing my story, then I am happy. Writing is a good therapy tool for me as well. I have also found an amazing community that is supportive. I am so thankful for all of you. I thank you for taking the time to get to know me (again). God bless you.

With love,

J♡

Time for a Medical Update

Hello, friends! Back in October, I shared with you that I had been having seizures. I did finally make it in to see the neurologist in November. He ordered a brain mri, which thankfully came back negative. He also ordered an EEG. It also came back negative. The doctor’s conclusion? Movement Disorder. He could not say what type of movement disorder; for this I would need to see a movement disorder specialist. Ugh, more referrals, more phone calls, more denials, more stress. Thankfully my momma bear came to the rescue again. Last week she found a doctor, and my appointment is set for the 12th of this month. I have a good feeling about this one; I really think we’ll be able to get some answers. We are all anxious as it has been a trying several months. For a little while the episodes seemed to let up, and I even started driving again. Unfortunately, they are back full-force and I have quit driving once more. There were four times while driving that I had these episodes. Thankfully, I was able to pull over before they went full blown. It’s too scary and they escalate so quickly. I can’t take the risk of putting my family or anyone else in danger.

I was hesitant to add this video, but I wanted to give you all an idea of what I am talking about when I mention these episodes (attacks, as we call them). My muscles tighten up and have a difficult time releasing. The positions that I end up in at times are so painful. The more severe episodes leave me completely wiped out and in need of a long nap. This video shows a mild episode that I had last night. Please excuse the goofy attire and crazy hair -it was a lazy Sunday.

I pray you all have a wonderful week. Thank you all for your patience, kindness and support.

With love,

J♡

Hello 2020

December went by far too fast, as it does every year. I hope that you all had a safe and fun New Year’s Eve. I am thankful for the memories made, the lessons learned, the blessings and the struggles that 2019 brought. I pray that this new year brings you all love and happiness!

Now that the holidays are over and things are slowing down a bit, my goal is to get back to blogging regularly. I’m trying my best to get through a depressive episode, so it may take me some time to get back into it. Thank you for being patient with me and sticking around. Lots of hugs to you all.

With love,

J♡

Fighting, With Help

I try my hardest to smile for you

You know me so well, that you see right through

Beyond the laughter and words I speak

You uncover the secrets I try to keep

I was afraid my demons, would scare you away

You reassured me that, you are here to stay

You told me that, you’ll love me forever

And through all the storms, we’d walk together

I know with your help, I’ll be alright

So one more day, I’ll continue to fight


Thanks for reading. You are not alone…keep fighting. Sending a big hug to whoever needs one. 💌

With love,

J♡

Attention: Prayer Warriors

My dear friends, I know it has been a while since my last post. I have been struggling, and I plan to talk about it in a later post, but tonight I have a favor to ask. If you find it in your heart and have a moment to spare, would you please say a little prayer for me?

Thank you. God bless you and your loved ones.

With love,

J♡

Have You Ever?

Have you ever felt like there was no one you could talk to, even when there was? Have you kept your innermost thoughts from your trusted loved ones, because you didn’t want to cause them worry or add stress to their life? Have you ever felt like you couldn’t talk to a therapist because of fear that they might lock you up? Have you purposely avoided checking certain boxes under the “mental health” portion of your medical evaluation paperwork, for fear you’d be seen as unstable? If you answered yes to any of these, then welcome to my boat…grab a life vest and a paddle; I’ve already packed the snacks.

Not too long ago, I was dealing with some pretty dark thoughts. While I know that I would not act on any of them, I don’t know that others would be so easily convinced. I didn’t want to tell my family because they already have enough to deal with. I didn’t want to tell my therapist, because although there is a doctor/patient confidentiality, I feared my words would somehow make their way to other parties. I was really feeling like I needed to carry the depression box all by myself. I did finally tell my husband about the box, without emptying all of it’s contents.

This is something I’ve been wanting to talk about on here as well, but the timing was not right. Even now, I am trying to choose my words carefully.

What are your thoughts, am I maybe being too cautious? I wonder if similar views/fears are the reason why a lot of people suffer in silence. Although most of those dark thoughts have subsided, it feels good to be able to share some of what I’ve been holding onto. Thanks for allowing me a safe space to do so. Also, sorry in advance for any typos or if I’m not making as much sense as I think, as I’m still on loopy pills (pain killers). Sending hugs to whoever may need one. If you ever need someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me.

With love,

J♡