Finding Beauty in Pain

It’s true, being in constant pain day after day sucks. Living with it for years is exhausting, and yes there are days where I can’t possibly imagine having to live this way for another fifty plus years. Having said this, there are also reasons that I am thankful for the pain.

Pain changes people, but it doesn’t have to all be negative changes. At this moment, I’m choosing to acknowledge the positive ways that pain has changed me.

Pain has made me more patient and understanding when those around me are in pain. Knowing what it feels like and how frustrating it can be to not meet the expectations you have for yourself or that others have for you, I am now more understanding when someone needs to cancel or change plans or simply rest.

I’ve become thankful for the pain in that, while yes it hurts, at least I have all of my body parts. Others are not so fortunate. I am alive another day and able to feel; that is certainly worth thanking God for.

It’s been quite a while since I’ve been able to work, due to pain. While this is financially a burden on my family, it has allowed me to be more present in my children’s lives. It has also allowed me to discover my love for sewing, painting, jewelry making, and writing (my escapes from pain and depression). With any luck, maybe these things will turn into something I can use to contribute financially.

Pain has made me stronger. I have made it through 100% of my bad days and I will make it through the next one. I am also stronger in my faith. Living in constant pain I’ve learned to lean on God more than ever.

Yes, pain sucks, but if you can find the beauty in it, fighting through it might become a little easier. I would love to know, what beauty do you find in your pain?

With love, J♡

A Poem About Depression

*Possible trigger warning* This something I wrote a while back on a not so good day.

The Cycle

This viscous cycle, it goes ’round and ’round

You can feel real high, then come crashing down

When you hit the bottom, you feel empty inside

Or you’re filled with emotions, but all you can do is cry

If you could, you’d run away from yourself

You’re dying inside, but can’t scream for help

You feel alone, though you’re surrounded

People look and they listen, completely dumbfounded

Others don’t understand what it is you’re going through

Then again, how could they, ’cause neither do you

You have to keep moving, better glue on that smile

Tell people you’re fine and hope you can lie for a while

You fake it long enough, that it starts to feel real

You’re flying high again, until the next ordeal

Sending hugs to those who need it – J♡

Stupid Little Happy Pill

Ok, so I have a sort of love -hate relationship with my antidepressant. We’ve been on again off again for the last 15 years. Two of our off periods were when I was pregnant with my kiddos, and the other breakups were because I felt I was too good for it. I unfortunately, have learned the hard way that we are meant to be together…forever. When you take an antidepressant, the last thing you want to do is stop taking them without being weaned off under the supervision of a doctor. Missing doses is not a wise move either. There have been times when this little happy pill made me feel normal and well, happy. The problem was that I started to feel so great I thought, ‘I don’t need this anymore’, but within about a week, my family could see the difference. So could I; I just didn’t want to admit it. I remember once (when starting our relationship again), I asked my doctor if I would need to take this for the rest of my life. His response was, “I would tell any patient taking this for the first time that they have a 50/50 chance of relapse if they stop. Given your history, your chance of relapse is higher”. Armed with this information, I’ve made a bigger effort to be committed to my relationship with the stupid happy pill. I still have days where I will miss a dose. Let me tell ya, I can feel it now if I miss more than two. It’s not pretty. My other struggle is that I have moments of guilt for having to take this in order to feel happy/normal. I know that I am blessed and have oodles to be happy about, but without this pill, it’s hard to feel. I was once told, “If it were medication for your heart, you would take it, right? Think of it that way; it’s something you need and that’s ok”. So, this is the mentality I’m trying to stick with. There’s no shame in doing what is best for your health. I’m married to the stupid little happy pill, till death do us part.

With love, J♡

The Journey Begins

Hi there! I am 32, a wife, and a mother of 2 kiddos and 2 pups. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for roughly 15 years , and with chronic pain for 10 years. These are issues I’ve tried to keep private with the exception of those closest to me. I’ve realized, that in the long run it really isn’t helpful and maybe, just maybe, sharing my stories will help someone else. My hope is that my blogs will allow you to realize you’re not alone in the journey, connect with others who can relate, share your experiences, or simply get a better understanding about these issues if someone close to you is suffering.

I would like to share the ups and downs with you. Thank you for joining me in this journey.

With love, J♡

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton