A Small Fear

At some point roughly twelve years ago, things changed. My brain and body had a little meeting. I imagine it went something like this:

Brain: *sips coffee* I have an idea. Handling J’s stress the “normal” way is getting boring. What if we shake things up a bit?

Body: What kind of stress?

Brain: Any! Mental, physical. Shoot, even strong happy emotions! What do ya say?

Body: What do you have in mind?

Brain: We’re going to work together to make her muscles tighten up and move in ways she didn’t know was possible. We’ll call it Psychogenic Dystonia!

Body: I don’t know. What if she doesn’t like that? What if it causes problems for her?

Brain: It’ll be fine. She’ll learn to deal with it. Besides that, we’re in charge.

Body: Okay, I’m in.

*They cheers a cup of coffee*

The mind is a beautiful and powerful thing. Why mine really chose to handle stress the way it does, I do not know. I know that God is in control so I try not to let fears of uncertainty get to me, but there’s something that sits at the back of my mind. What if one day, my brain decides to switch things up again? What if it decides that a better coping mechanism would be to add other personalities, intrusive thoughts, or hallucinations? My heart goes out to all those with borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, and all other mental health conditions. You are strong and amazing.

I’m giving this fear to God and will trust that He will be with me, no matter what kind of shenanigans my brain and body get into.

Be well, dear friends. Hugs to whoever needs one.

With love,

J♡

Have You Ever?

Have you ever felt like there was no one you could talk to, even when there was? Have you kept your innermost thoughts from your trusted loved ones, because you didn’t want to cause them worry or add stress to their life? Have you ever felt like you couldn’t talk to a therapist because of fear that they might lock you up? Have you purposely avoided checking certain boxes under the “mental health” portion of your medical evaluation paperwork, for fear you’d be seen as unstable? If you answered yes to any of these, then welcome to my boat…grab a life vest and a paddle; I’ve already packed the snacks.

Not too long ago, I was dealing with some pretty dark thoughts. While I know that I would not act on any of them, I don’t know that others would be so easily convinced. I didn’t want to tell my family because they already have enough to deal with. I didn’t want to tell my therapist, because although there is a doctor/patient confidentiality, I feared my words would somehow make their way to other parties. I was really feeling like I needed to carry the depression box all by myself. I did finally tell my husband about the box, without emptying all of it’s contents.

This is something I’ve been wanting to talk about on here as well, but the timing was not right. Even now, I am trying to choose my words carefully.

What are your thoughts, am I maybe being too cautious? I wonder if similar views/fears are the reason why a lot of people suffer in silence. Although most of those dark thoughts have subsided, it feels good to be able to share some of what I’ve been holding onto. Thanks for allowing me a safe space to do so. Also, sorry in advance for any typos or if I’m not making as much sense as I think, as I’m still on loopy pills (pain killers). Sending hugs to whoever may need one. If you ever need someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me.

With love,

J♡