Have You Ever?

Have you ever felt like there was no one you could talk to, even when there was? Have you kept your innermost thoughts from your trusted loved ones, because you didn’t want to cause them worry or add stress to their life? Have you ever felt like you couldn’t talk to a therapist because of fear that they might lock you up? Have you purposely avoided checking certain boxes under the “mental health” portion of your medical evaluation paperwork, for fear you’d be seen as unstable? If you answered yes to any of these, then welcome to my boat…grab a life vest and a paddle; I’ve already packed the snacks.

Not too long ago, I was dealing with some pretty dark thoughts. While I know that I would not act on any of them, I don’t know that others would be so easily convinced. I didn’t want to tell my family because they already have enough to deal with. I didn’t want to tell my therapist, because although there is a doctor/patient confidentiality, I feared my words would somehow make their way to other parties. I was really feeling like I needed to carry the depression box all by myself. I did finally tell my husband about the box, without emptying all of it’s contents.

This is something I’ve been wanting to talk about on here as well, but the timing was not right. Even now, I am trying to choose my words carefully.

What are your thoughts, am I maybe being too cautious? I wonder if similar views/fears are the reason why a lot of people suffer in silence. Although most of those dark thoughts have subsided, it feels good to be able to share some of what I’ve been holding onto. Thanks for allowing me a safe space to do so. Also, sorry in advance for any typos or if I’m not making as much sense as I think, as I’m still on loopy pills (pain killers). Sending hugs to whoever may need one. If you ever need someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me.

With love,

J♡

This Past Week and a Sloth’s Adventure

Hello, everyone. I’m sorry it’s been a while. While we were out of town, I tried to stay off my phone so I could focus more on family time. I really don’t have an excuse for not posting/reading since being back (I got home late Thursday night), other than guilt. I have this horrible habit of letting something slide, whether it be calling someone, missing a medication dose, posting on the blog, and so on. The first oops, I feel bad but think, I’ll do it tomorrow for sure. The second day I forget, I get mad at myself. The third day, I feel guilty and instead of facing things head on, I let the guilt consume me and more or less try to run away from it. Does this make any sense? It’s a habit I’m trying hard to break. I will try to do much better from here on out.

The few days we got to spend out of town were wonderful, even if I did come home with lobsters for legs. A short amount of time in beautiful cool weather while the sun is shining, can do a lot of damage. Wear your sunscreen, kids. Since this was a last minute trip, I forgot to grab my antidepressant. The first day was okay, but the second day I started to feel it. Thankfully, I called the pharmacy and was able to get a few pills. Because it wasn’t time for a refill, insurance wouldn’t cover it and we had to pay for them. Oh well. One of the days there, the husband and I hung back while the grandparents surprised the kids with a trip to the amusement park. They had a blast! We could have joined, but I really didn’t think my body would be able to handle it. When they returned, my son surprised me with a little sloth for surgery day. He bought it with his own money. It was such a sweet and thoughtful thing to do and I absolutely love it! He named the sloth Mr. Cuddles, and he made sure I had him with me as we left for the airport. The kids would not be back for a couple more days. The kids were a little bummed that were leaving, so I decided Mr. Cuddles would have an adventure. I sent these to my father in-law to show the kids:

Waiting our turn to board
Flight safety is important
Pushing back
Hard to see, but he stole my coffee. Apparently it calms his nerves.
We remembered to get the boogie boards
Home at last. Time for a snack.

The kids thought the pictures were cute and I was told it put a big smile on my son’s face. That’s all I wanted.

The day after my husband and I returned, we were headed to my Mom’s to pick up the dogs. About a mile from her house, we hear a terrible sound coming from under the hood of my car. Next thing we know, the engine cuts out and we were luckily able to coast into a parking lot. The car has been towed home and now it must sit until we can replace the engine.

Yesterday, anxiety and depression were being nasty little “bleeeeeep”. I had two big meltdowns. I tried so hard to fight it off by staying busy, but it was no use. I don’t know if it’s because I messed up my medication or too much excitement in one week. Today has been better, I just feel wiped out. On that note, I will wrap up this post. I hope you have all had a great weekend.

With love,

J♡

Good News and Bad News

Hi friends. I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first? Ok, we’ll go with bad news.

I woke up to a phone call today. I looked at the caller ID. It was from my pain clinic where my procedure is scheduled. I assumed it would be the the typical recording that always mispronounces words, reminding me of my appointment. Nope, it was a real person letting me know the doctor recommended I reschedule my appointment until next week. She said it was up to me, but if I kept my original appointment, they would not be able to give me the stronger sedation. Mind you, I was only partially awake and you know how anxious I’ve been for this, so I agreed to go with the lesser sedation and keep my appointment. After waking up my husband to get his opinion, and chewing on it for a minute, I decided to call and change the procedure day. When I called the office back, I found out that the reason for the change was because the woman who administers the sedative had a family emergency and had to call out. I have to admit that I was a little more than bummed out. Pain relief was so close, but maybe this was a sign. So instead of sulking, I will look at the positives and pray for the woman and her family. I only have to wait one more week. The new date is set for late morning on July 2nd.

Now the good news…☺

Because the plans changed, my husband and I decided to meet up with the kids and my in-laws on vacation. The best part? The kids had no idea we were coming, and their excitement when they saw us was priceless! It made my heart feel all mushy. Now we can all soak up the cool air and sand beneath our toes as a family. As a bonus, this will definitely help the time go by faster until next Tuesday.

Thank you all, for your well-wishes and support up to this point. ❤

With love,

J♡

I’ve Been Slacking – Update Time

Oops! I didn’t realize I let so many days pass without posting. So let’s see, what has been going on around here?

Well, there’s this…

Soooo close to THE day! I’m down to my last pain killer. Actually, a quarter of a pain killer, which in a way is a good thing. No pain pill means that pain will really build up, and while I’m not thrilled about that, it will allow me to really see just how well this scs device works. Yesterday was a bad pain day, today was worse, and I’ll have to wait and see what tomorrow brings. I can only hope and pray that it plays nice. I am contemplating doing some YouTube videos during my trial to give updates. Maybe it would help others who are considering or about to go through this procedure. I’m not one for public speaking though and that is close enough to it. Plus, I’ve never liked the sound of my own voice on video or phone, ha. I’ll let you know what I decide.

The kids have been gone since Friday night. They are now on vacation with their grandparents, soaking up beautiful weather and ocean waves. Here’s the purse (finished) that I made for my daughter.

She absolutely loved it! Then again, that girl would be thrilled to receive a crayon drawn heart on a piece of paper.

I did also make that backpack I talked about, for my son. He liked it, but his response of cool, thanks, is more his personality.

A pocket on the inside for smaller things:

Maybe he’ll use it, maybe not, but at least he has it just in case. Either way, I had fun with these projects.

It’s been a little strange not having the kids home, but kind of nice. Do I miss them? Heck yeah! Am I also enjoying the calm in the house? Oh yeah! Any parent that says they can’t stand to be away from their kid, is either a brand new parent or from a different planet. I’m teasing. It is nice though, to have some downtime and take care of me for a bit. Speaking of which, my sweet husband told me yesterday that I should go and get my hair cut if I wanted and buy a box of color if I like. I did, and it felt wonderful! I’m working on growing my hair out, but it was close to mullet status…no thanks! A quick cut had me feeling much better already. I picked out a deep red color and dyed it at home. Add a little makeup and I felt genuinely happy and girly. When you’re in pain and such, a lot of days are filled with messy hair and pajamas. So even though I didn’t have plans, just getting a fresh look made me feel more human. Does that make sense?

I suppose that is all for now. Hugs to whoever may need one. Wishing you all a great day/night.

With love,

J♡

You Say

You Say by J♡

You don’t want to know what I have to say

You say you’re trying to keep negativity away

Well this is a part of me, but pay attention and there’s more you’d see

You don’t understand because it’s not affecting your life

It’s changed mine, but I put up a hell of a fight

If only you’d read the words on your screen

You’d see what I’ve accomplished and be proud of me

I’m finding my passion while hopefully helping another

Something you’d notice if only you’d bother

I’m exhausted trying to get your attention

I’ve wasted tears just hoping you would listen

You say you want negativity out of your life

So when you ask how I am, I’ll tell you I’m alright

I will tell you that I’m doing fine

If only for your own peace of mind


Thank you for reading.

With love,

J♡

Today was Better

I still don’t feel quite right, but I will take what I can get. Thankfully, no headache or panic attacks today. It was a nice relaxing day, hanging out with the kids. My son made a game, where he left little notes around the house with objectives on them. I then had to find said notes and follow instructions. In the end, he jumped from behind the door and scared me. It was fun. If you hadn’t already guessed, he’s big into gaming.

My daughter made a lantern in class before the school year ended. Today, she taught me how to make them. We’re almost done, but here’s a peek at what they look like. She gave me designs to use and made sure that I practiced them before using them on the paper lantern.

I like painting and like many 8 year olds, my daughter enjoys putting paint all over her hands. So we also made this.

I’m going to hang it in the bathroom for the little kids that come over and tend to forget to wash.

Lastly, some time in my happy place. A new bag. All it needs now, is a little paint, jewels, buttons, or all three if I’m feeling a bit wild.

Oh yes, one more thing…I just want to say that I appreciate you all so much! Maybe it’s my pain pill talking. Maybe I’m just a sappy gal. Either way, I hope you all know that you have made such a positive change in my life. Your support means so much. So many of you feel more like family. You all are in my prayers every day.

With love,

J♡

I Had a Bad Day 😣

Today (technically yesterday, now) was a bad one. As the whole family has been keeping some late Summer nights, it started like most days…waking up close to 11am, except today started with another massive headache. The kind where you don’t want to move, be in the light, hear noise, talk, or even chew your food. It was like a nightmare of a hangover, but without the party story to tell. My mom stopped over and brought us all lunch. I hardly touched it and took a couple of Tylenol. Fibro and back pain also thought it was time to play. Sharp pains through random body parts, skin that felt bruised to the touch, back pain pain that wrapped around the front like labor pains.

Just minutes after my mom left, the fun really kicked in. I walked into the laundry room and suddenly a wave of doom washed over me. I felt like a horrible memory had been triggered, but no idea what that memory was. I slumped down, back against the washer and told the kids to see if Nanna had drove away yet (she’s very familiar with panic attacks) or to get their dad. I wanted to cry. My body felt like it was being heated from the inside, out. I felt like I had a fire and tingling inside my head. The sense of doom passed quickly, but it was a scary feeling.

The kids allowed me some time to nap, which helped with the pain, but I still wasn’t feeling quite right. As I went into the laundry room, the same sense of panic set in. It felt just like the first time. Maybe this one was triggered by the recollection of the first one. Once again, the sense of doom passed quickly, but the tingling fire feeling stuck around for hours. Even as I type this, my head doesn’t feel right. I text my mom and she offered to come back over since my husband had to work. I declined because I knew she was busy, but then she said she was heading over. I’m glad she insisted. She was also sweet enough to go pick up my antidepressant.

I believe that little pill is responsible for much of today’s excitement. Ok, actually I’m responsible – er, irresponsible. I ran out of my little happy pills a couple of days ago and kept forgetting to pick up the refill. I do okay if I miss one night, but two or more throws off my groove. I guess this time, my groove went far away. I took my pill tonight, but I know it might take a couple days to get my system right. I will not make this mistake again. Today has been hell, but tomorrow will be better – hopefully.

Thanks for reading. I will try to make tomorrow’s post a little more happy. Take care, friends.

With love,

J♡