Fighting, With Help

I try my hardest to smile for you

You know me so well, that you see right through

Beyond the laughter and words I speak

You uncover the secrets I try to keep

I was afraid my demons, would scare you away

You reassured me that, you are here to stay

You told me that, you’ll love me forever

And through all the storms, we’d walk together

I know with your help, I’ll be alright

So one more day, I’ll continue to fight

Thanks for reading. You are not alone…keep fighting. Sending a big hug to whoever needs one. 💌

With love,


Attention: Prayer Warriors

My dear friends, I know it has been a while since my last post. I have been struggling, and I plan to talk about it in a later post, but tonight I have a favor to ask. If you find it in your heart and have a moment to spare, would you please say a little prayer for me?

Thank you. God bless you and your loved ones.

With love,


More Robot, More Human

Hi friends! How are you?!

As many of you know, I went through the SCS (spinal cord stimulator) trial recently. I have to tell you that overall it was a success! Here is how the week long trial went…

The day of the procedure if I’m being honest, was brutal. I was sore from where the leads were inserted, and it wasn’t particularly comfortable to lean back with the battery pack taped to me. The other problem was that I was in a ton of pain in my mid back. It wasn’t from the procedure or device however; I believe I pulled a muscle in the shower that morning. Don’t ask me how…I really don’t know…just that talented I suppose.

The day after the trial was amazing! The severe pain in my left leg was gone. My low back, down to my toes felt so much better. I woke up and moved about the house without waddling and wincing. I was able to lift my knees toward my chest without pain. I was able to lie flat on my belly without excruciating pain. I even stood for long periods of time without needing a pain killer. When my family checked in on me to ask how I was, I responded with “I’m good” and for the most part, really meant it. These are some things I hadn’t been able to do in years, and I was loving every moment! I felt so confident that this was the solution I needed, that I called my surgeon’s office to schedule my consultation for the permanent implant. His schedule fills up fast, and I didn’t want to delay things any longer. I will see the surgeon on the 30th of this month. With the last 3 surgeries, he was able to do them within a couple weeks of consultation.

Days three through six were just as great as far as pain relief. With minimal activity, I was getting 80-90% pain relief, and with more activity, 60-79%. To give you a better understanding of how awesome those numbers seem to me, a trial is considered successful if a patient receives 50% pain relief. What drove me crazy was the desire to take a real shower and to get that dang medical tape off my back. Otherwise, I really didn’t have any complaints.

The day the trial leads were removed, I felt happy to get the battery and tape off my back. I was also a little sad because I knew the pain would be coming back soon.

The red dots near the spine, are where the leads exited. The redness on the left side is from the bandages that held the battery in place. I seem to have a sensitivity/allergy to the adhesive/glue.
These are the leads that were removed. I will spare you the picture of them dangling out of my back. The removal was uncomfortable because they gave a little resistance, but it wasn’t necessarily painful.

The device rep said I may continue to feel pain relief for a day. Sadly, by that night my low back began to ache, and by the next day I was hurting more. I am now back to the usual 8-10/10 on the pain scale. I am holding on to the hope of permanent pain relief being right around the corner. I just need to hang in there a little longer. I know that getting the permanent implant will make me a little more of a robot (with the hardware that’s already in place), but honestly, when the trial was in place, I felt more human than I have in a long time. Maybe you all can start calling me roboJ2019 😆.

As always, I appreciate all of your positive vibes, well-wishes, and prayers! Thank you for your love and support.

With love,


Why am I Screwed Up?

Looking at me, you wouldn’t know that I have a total of seven screws in my spine and a titanium cage in the space where my disk used to reside. Understandably, when I see a new doctor and they ask about previous surgeries, they are a little taken aback with my answer. They see a thirty-something female, who from the outside, looks fairly healthy. The typical response is usually along the lines of “Wow, what happened? Were you in an accident or did you fall or something?” Nope, don’t know why I’ve had all this trouble with my back.

I can tell you now from looking at the surgeon’s report from my first fusion, that I had degenerative disc disease of the lumbar spine. But why? Why all the issues and pain? What got the proverbial ball rolling roughly ten years ago? I’ve pondered this quite a bit over the years, and here are the possible explanations I’ve come up with; some are more farfetched than others. In no particular order:

  • My dad used to toss me back and forth with someone when I was little. Maybe I was dropped? I joke about this more than anything (Love ya, Dad).
  • Maybe it was that time in elementary school, when I slipped getting out of the jacuzzi and fell on my rear end.
  • Maybe it was from running track with flat feet my freshman year of high school. That’s how I ended up with stress fractures in both shins.
  • Perhaps using tanning beds throughout my teen years caused more than the occasional ‘sun burn’. Absolutely no scientific research that I am aware of.
  • I gained forty pounds in my first pregnancy. Maybe the extra weight and childbirth caused all this. If that was the case, I wouldn’t change a thing. I have an amazing son to show for it.
  • On the same note, was it caused by the epidural somehow?
  • Perhaps I am being punished for all my wrongdoings.
  • Maybe my days of self-harm played a role.
  • Maybe God chose me for this battle, so that I could help others somehow.

Maybe one day I’ll have my answer and hopefully one day I’ll have no more back pain. Until then, who knows what else my imagination may come up with.

With love,


💖All Love, No Hate💖

I recently opened my blog so that my son could read If, by Rudyard Kipling. He said to me, “Is this your blog?”, to which I responded, “yup”.

“How many hate comments have you had”?

“Not a single one, actually”.

So tonight’s post is to say, Thank you, from the bottom of my heart! You all are an awesome, kind, supportive bunch that I am blessed to interact with and call friends! If you ever, even for a second, doubt that you are making a difference in the world, know that you have made a positive impact in one person’s life, and that goes a long way. God bless you all.

With love,


Gift of Love

I was walking down the windy path

With my head hung low

When something stopped me

In my tracks

That wasn’t there before

In front of me stood

A magnificent tree

Long sturdy branches

But not a single leaf

This beautiful bit of nature

Not another looked the same

Something so comfortable

It seemed to call my name

I had been feeling so down

So lost and alone

Perhaps I’d sit beneath this tree

Before heading home

Not feeling much like speaking

To anyone before

From my heart to my lips

The words did then pour

I asked if He could hear me

And then began to cry

Suddenly something glistened

Catching the attention of my eye

As I peered upward

Beautiful green

I did see

Was my prayer heard

Represented by this leaf

Fascinated and filled with hope

In disbelief walked away

I would return again

To rest my soul and pray

Every time I spoke my heart

For only Him to hear

On those heart shaped branches

A lovely new leaf would appear

This was a gift of love

When I needed it the most

His presence He did make

In nature’s lovely host

Thank you for reading.

With love,