I am so tired. My body and brain need some rest. I cannot remember the last time that I had a restful nap or night of sleep. Even in slumber, my mind and body don’t seem to know how to behave.
I have been taking something called Restful Legs before bed to help with, you guessed it…restless legs. It does help, but the feeling doesn’t completely let up and so I usually spend the first 30 minutes kicking and twitching my feet and legs about. On nights that are particularly bad, I more or less have an adult size tantrum, wishing that I could throw my legs across the room. It’s an icky feeling when you want to crawl out of your own skin. Other times, I can feel my muscles begin to tighten and I pray that it doesn’t turn into a full blown dystonic episode. Some nights, fibro makes it difficult to get comfortable. Lie on one side, pain. Try the other side, pain. Adjust the leg pillow, no good. Try lying on my back, too much pressure. If my skin is feeling very sensitive, even the sheet hurts.
Now, I can usually get my mind to calm down long enough to fall asleep, but the dreams…my goodness, where does my mind come up with these things? Most nights I recall dreaming, but I don’t always remember what they were about. More often than not, I seem to have very bizarre, vivid dreams or nightmares. Just the other day for example, I took a nap. My odd and all-over-the-place dream turned into a nightmare. I was holding my right hand and my finger was losing so much blood that I was sure I was going to bleed to death. The nightmare felt so real that I was actually feeling pain in that finger when my husband woke me up.
I’ll be honest; I kind of wish a doctor could administer some general anesthesia that would last eight hours. Perhaps then, I could wake up and finally feel rested. I suppose that for now, I’ll keep running on caffeine and a whole lot of Jesus. Thanks for allowing me to vent. Be well, my friends.
On a happier note, I’ve been doing some painting. If you have a moment to spare, please check it out and let me know what you think. https://stormscanbebeautiful.com/shop-2/
At some point roughly twelve years ago, things changed. My brain and body had a little meeting. I imagine it went something like this:
Brain: *sips coffee* I have an idea. Handling J’s stress the “normal” way is getting boring. What if we shake things up a bit?
Body: What kind of stress?
Brain: Any! Mental, physical. Shoot, even strong happy emotions! What do ya say?
Body: What do you have in mind?
Brain: We’re going to work together to make her muscles tighten up and move in ways she didn’t know was possible. We’ll call it Psychogenic Dystonia!
Body: I don’t know. What if she doesn’t like that? What if it causes problems for her?
Brain: It’ll be fine. She’ll learn to deal with it. Besides that, we’re in charge.
Body: Okay, I’m in.
*They cheers a cup of coffee*
The mind is a beautiful and powerful thing. Why mine really chose to handle stress the way it does, I do not know. I know that God is in control so I try not to let fears of uncertainty get to me, but there’s something that sits at the back of my mind. What if one day, my brain decides to switch things up again? What if it decides that a better coping mechanism would be to add other personalities, intrusive thoughts, or hallucinations? My heart goes out to all those with borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, and all other mental health conditions. You are strong and amazing.
I’m giving this fear to God and will trust that He will be with me, no matter what kind of shenanigans my brain and body get into.
Be well, dear friends. Hugs to whoever needs one.
Hello, dear friends. I will try to do a post tomorrow on how my appointment with the movement disorder specialist went.
Tonight though, I just wanted to check in with everyone. Covid-19 is affecting so many people in so many ways. Our little family is trying to stay in as much as possible. While the seriousness of this virus is scary, the other thing I worry about is people losing their sense of humanity. You have people who are hoarding essential items or harming others over the essentials. I pray that this virus does not harden hearts.
So, my question to you is this:
Where are you? More importantly, how are you doing (physically, mentally, emotionally)?
On a lighter note, here are some things I found on Facebook that I found amusing in regards to the toilet paper shortage.
I keep joking about sewing tp squares in pretty patterns and super soft material. I DO plan on trying to sew masks this weekend and then donate them to assisted living facilities that are in short supply.
Please take care, friends. Praying for all of you and your loved ones.
Hello, everyone! Just in case no one has told you today…
I just wanted you to know.
Reminder: God loves us, even when we find it difficult to love ourselves. He will not abandon us. Pray and keep hanging on. Whatever it is you are going through, He is with you. You are going to be okay.
Hello, dear friends. I know that I need to update about many things, but tonight I just want to repost a poem I wrote almost a year ago. I wrote this poem about my aunt. She was a strong and beautiful soul whom I love very much. This morning, God called her home. While so many will miss her tremendously, I think there’s a bit of peace in knowing that she no longer has to fight the medical issues she had.
Wanting to Hold You
I wanted so badly
To hold you tight
Not knowing when
You would see the light
But your body has become
Oh so frail
Your bones are weak
And the muscles, they fail
So thin and fragile, is your skin
I wish I could make you
I see the frustration
In your eyes
It breaks my heart
Every time you cry
I’m dreading the day
I get the call
That says you are now
Watching over us all
So badly I wanted
To hold you tight
Not knowing when
You would see the light
Not wanting to hurt
Your delicate frame
I kissed your forehead
And drove away
Your scent lingered
As I began to pray
God, when it’s time
For you to take her home
Let her be not afraid
Without pain and not alone
Thank you for reading. Hug your loved ones and tell them how much they mean to you. I really hope you all are doing well.
December went by far too fast, as it does every year. I hope that you all had a safe and fun New Year’s Eve. I am thankful for the memories made, the lessons learned, the blessings and the struggles that 2019 brought. I pray that this new year brings you all love and happiness!
Now that the holidays are over and things are slowing down a bit, my goal is to get back to blogging regularly. I’m trying my best to get through a depressive episode, so it may take me some time to get back into it. Thank you for being patient with me and sticking around. Lots of hugs to you all.
Wishing you all a wonderful, memory -filled, safe Christmas. God bless you and your family.
I try my hardest to smile for you
You know me so well, that you see right through
Beyond the laughter and words I speak
You uncover the secrets I try to keep
I was afraid my demons, would scare you away
You reassured me that, you are here to stay
You told me that, you’ll love me forever
And through all the storms, we’d walk together
I know with your help, I’ll be alright
So one more day, I’ll continue to fight
Thanks for reading. You are not alone…keep fighting. Sending a big hug to whoever needs one. 💌
My dear friends, I know it has been a while since my last post. I have been struggling, and I plan to talk about it in a later post, but tonight I have a favor to ask. If you find it in your heart and have a moment to spare, would you please say a little prayer for me?
Thank you. God bless you and your loved ones.
I will. I have to admit that at times, I have questioned why He has allowed me to go through so much. I have realized though, that the more struggles I face, the stronger my relationship with God grows. One thing that I know for sure is that He loves me.