My Life, This Thursday

I feel accomplished today, but oh so drained and my body absolutely hates me. Today was one of those days where I pushed to do more than I can handle. I tidied up the house, vacuumed, mopped, took out the trash, showered, did some laundry, and most importantly kept the kids alive. I know that for many people, those tasks are no big deal, completing them multiple times a week and then some, but that’s not my world anymore. I feel like I have just worked a forty hour week. I don’t say this for sympathy or a pat on the back; I say it as a reminder to myself that I am doing the best I can and that is good enough. I often find myself feeling guilty that I don’t accomplish more daily, or compare myself to other people who tackle so much more in life. I’m trying to break this habit since it only hurts my mental and physical well being.

I found out today, that my primary insurance has approved the spinal cord stimulation trial, and now we’re just waiting for approval from our secondary insurance. The woman who handles all of this at the pain clinic, said she would get an update and get back to me by Tuesday, as she will be out of the office until then. I said to her, “sorry, I don’t mean to be a pain in the butt, I’m just anxious for pain relief”. She responded with “no, you’re fine, I completely understand”. What a sweetheart! The healthcare world needs more people like her.

My kids are amazing. I feel guilty so often that I am not the mother I would like to be, for them. They are so understanding and helpful when they know I am hurting really bad or am exhausted. They don’t mind when I need a nap and often times insist that I take one. I don’t even think they realize how much this means to me, though I try to tell them often.

I got bit by so many mosquitos today, that I am convinced there must have been on sign on me reading, All You Can Eat Buffet. When Noah was told to take two of each living creature on the arc, are we sure that mosquitoes were on the list? I need more Citronella candles asap.


Another pain pill in my body for the night and I’m ready to just do nothing.

Wishing you all a Happy whatever day it is, depending on where you are in the world. Take care, friends.

Images from http://Pixabay.com

With love,

J♡

Why am I Screwed Up?

Looking at me, you wouldn’t know that I have a total of seven screws in my spine and a titanium cage in the space where my disk used to reside. Understandably, when I see a new doctor and they ask about previous surgeries, they are a little taken aback with my answer. They see a thirty-something female, who from the outside, looks fairly healthy. The typical response is usually along the lines of “Wow, what happened? Were you in an accident or did you fall or something?” Nope, don’t know why I’ve had all this trouble with my back.

I can tell you now from looking at the surgeon’s report from my first fusion, that I had degenerative disc disease of the lumbar spine. But why? Why all the issues and pain? What got the proverbial ball rolling roughly ten years ago? I’ve pondered this quite a bit over the years, and here are the possible explanations I’ve come up with; some are more farfetched than others. In no particular order:

  • My dad used to toss me back and forth with someone when I was little. Maybe I was dropped? I joke about this more than anything (Love ya, Dad).
  • Maybe it was that time in elementary school, when I slipped getting out of the jacuzzi and fell on my rear end.
  • Maybe it was from running track with flat feet my freshman year of high school. That’s how I ended up with stress fractures in both shins.
  • Perhaps using tanning beds throughout my teen years caused more than the occasional ‘sun burn’. Absolutely no scientific research that I am aware of.
  • I gained forty pounds in my first pregnancy. Maybe the extra weight and childbirth caused all this. If that was the case, I wouldn’t change a thing. I have an amazing son to show for it.
  • On the same note, was it caused by the epidural somehow?
  • Perhaps I am being punished for all my wrongdoings.
  • Maybe my days of self-harm played a role.
  • Maybe God chose me for this battle, so that I could help others somehow.

Maybe one day I’ll have my answer and hopefully one day I’ll have no more back pain. Until then, who knows what else my imagination may come up with.

With love,

J♡

Don’t Leave; I’m Still Here

Okay, first things first…who the heck has been praying for my patience? ‘Fess up! Whoever you are, I ❤ you and appreciate your kindness, but you can stop now. Please.

This has been a busy, chaotic, stress filled couple of weeks. So once again, I found myself neglecting my blog. This upsets me deeply, as I made a promise to myself when I started this, that I would keep up with it. I wasn’t going to toss it to the side like so many other projects I’ve started. I have a tendency to just shut down when I feel overwhelmed, then the guilt and other negative thoughts start to creep in, which makes me shut down more. When depression starts banging on the door, I don’t feel much like communicating with anyone. I’ll be honest; I’ve hardly looked at the WordPress app icon, let alone open it these last two weeks. The funny thing is, that’s probably when I should have been on the most. To connect with others on here, express the chaos that’s in my head, and read something that’s enjoyable to me, has been a tremendous help the last seven months. If I haven’t already mentioned, I’m a procrastinator at heart. This is something I want to change also. Starting now, I am going to post something every day. It may just be a picture or a couple of sentences, some days. I don’t want to bombard you with my posts, but I feel that making myself post something each day will get me into a better habit and my blog will never feel neglected again.

An update on the lab work I had done and the spinal cord stimulation trial:

My bone density scan hasn’t really changed since my last one, four years ago. It still shows osteopenia. I am thankful that it has not progressed to osteoporosis. All of my bloodwork came back normal. The 24 hour urine collection I had to do, could not be completed due to not having enough sample. I can’t help that I didn’t have to pee much that day, sheesh. So now I have to redo that test. Oh yes, the ever so fun, tinkle into a plastic ‘toilet hat’ and then pour it into a collection jug, every time for 24 hours. Grossed out, yet? Who comes up with these tests anyway?

I had my one time visit with the psych doctor for the stimulation trial (nice guy). He explained that the insurance company requires this visit because the trial and permanent placement is a very expensive procedure and they want to make sure that the pain doctor, psychologist and you all feel this is the right option. After hearing that and answering all the paper and oral questions, I had a different interpretation of why they require the visit. The procedure is expensive and insurance wants to make sure that they are not going to fork out all this money, if you are just going to turn around and take your life. I know that sounds grim, but that’s the way my mind processed the information, sorry.

Now that I’ve had that visit, the PA at the pain clinic has submitted a request for the trial. Of course, it has to be approved by insurance before I can schedule. More waiting. In the meantime, she wrote me another prescription for hydrocodone, which I’ve been having to take daily. My eleven year old doesn’t like this and “lectures” me, because apparently they learned the dangers of opioid use, at school. I’m all for him being educated in the matter, and I hope he never ever needs them, but spare me the talk. I wouldn’t take them if I didn’t need them.

Are you tired of my babbling yet? I really just wanted to say that I’m still here, sorry I’ve been slacking, and thanks for sticking with me. I hope you all are doing well. Until tomorrow, friends.

With love,

J♡

Doctor Visits

Hi, everyone! How was your week?

I had my appointment with the family doctor on Tuesday. The whole reason I went was because the physician assistant (who is amazing) at the pain clinic, suggested I see about getting some blood work done. I had mentioned to her that I’ve been having night sweats and dizzy spells. I hadn’t told her about the easy bruising, itching, nausea and more than usual fatigue. My family doctor seems to think it may be a hormone thing. He ordered the usual tests, some to check hormone levels, and a 24 hour urine collection (so much fun 😒). He also ordered a bone density scan, as my last one was four years ago, and showed I had osteopenia. Hopefully that has improved or at least stayed the same.

The next day, I went for blood work. The waiting room was packed and the wait was a little over an hour long. Normally, this would cause my anxiety to go through the roof, but that day I stayed calm, even if I kept my head down most of the time. If I didn’t see the other people, they didn’t see me, right? I heard a few people grumbling about the wait time, and while I wasn’t thrilled about the wait, I needed to get this done. So I used my time to catch up on posts and delete old emails. The following morning, I went for my bone density scan. It’s generally quick and painless, but the way I had to keep my legs and feet caused such pain in my back and hips. I waddled out feeling like my back, legs and hips were going to shatter.

Now, I just need to schedule a follow up with the family doctor, to go over results. If I haven’t already mentioned, I am not a patient person when it comes to getting results of any kind back. I can even view the lab results on my own through the lab’s app, but they are not available for my view until Wednesday. This is driving me crazy. Of course it would be a good thing if all my labs come back “normal”, but there’s a part of me that hopes they don’t. Sounds weird, right? If everything comes back normal, then I’m still stuck with these symptoms and no reason as to why, or a solution.

Back to the nerve stimulation that I mentioned previously. I have my one time visit with the psychiatrist scheduled for May 8th, and then the follow up with the pain clinic physician assistant, two days later. I’m assuming and hoping that at that point, we will schedule the trial.

I wish you all a wonderful week!

With love,

J♡