Hello, friends. Depression looks different for each person and we all have our own ways of handling the monster. Along with medication, prayer and writing have been great tools for me. I wrote this poem during one of my recent low points.
Before reading any further: If you are struggling right now, please know that you are not alone and you ARE loved. Reach out to a family member, friend, lifeline. Just don’t give up. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline1-800-273-TALK (8255)
A different kind of tired A night of sleep won’t fix Tears stream down Don’t want to feel like this
Must keep moving Distract the body and mind Push the thoughts away They don’t feel like mine
Focus my energy Try to lift people up Crying inside Tell others they’re loved
Know what it’s like To feel lost and alone Praying to God Please take me Home
My plea He won’t grant Not yet, but some day Right now I am needed So here, I will stay
Behind locked doors Where nobody knows Tears hit the ground While God holds me close
Hello, friends! It’s Thanksgiving evening here. Today, my daughter helped me make the green bean casserole to take to dinner at my mom’s house. Our day and dinner got off to a bit of a rough start (thanks inorganic dystonia), but it’s okay. My belly is full from turkey, sides, and of course, pumpkin pie…yum! You know what is more full than my tummy? My heart. I am truly blessed to have a wonderful and supportive family; one that is loving, encouraging, patient and forgiving. I am so thankful for each one of them.
I am also so very thankful for each one of you! You take moments of your precious time to read my words, share in my ups and downs, or leave words of love and encouragement. That amazes me and fills my heart with so much joy; thank you! I hope you are all having a wonderful day (even if it’s not Thanksgiving)! God bless.
Hello, dear friends! Beware, there is an ass-hat on the loose. If you receive anything from me (comments, etc.) that seem out of character, please reach out and let me know. I received an email through my contact page tonight that I am not happy about. This is the first time I have had to deal with something like this since starting my blog. Have any of you received something similar? I’m sharing screenshots so you can see what I’m talking about.
To the lovely individual who sent this to me, there are some things you should know:
My site/”business” doesn’t generate any money.
I’m fairly certain my net worth is a negative number, so good luck with that.
Good morning/afternoon/evening! While I’m still struggling to put together complete thoughts, I figured I would share some of the things bouncing around inside my noggin.
Some days I feel like I’ve lost my marbles. I found some among my craft things, but I’m not sure they are mine.
Those little captcha things you have to do when downloading something…they make you check the “I’m not a robot” box. Every time I click it, it feels like a lie. With all the screws and battery and wires from my surgeries, I think I am part bot.
I feel guilty that I am unable to work and contribute financially. The guilt doubles on days that I struggle to complete housework.
When someone cracks a joke about me not having a job, it’s not funny. It makes me feel useless.
I need to start making Christmas gifts, but the procrastinator in me says I’ll probably be finishing them two days before Christmas.
When someone asks how I am doing and I reply with, “good, thanks”, it doesn’t mean my chronic health issues have gone away. It means that at that moment, I am tolerating/hiding it better.
I miss driving.
As I was looking through the “stats” page and noticing the different countries views are coming from, it filled my heart with joy. When I started blogging, I never imagined more than a handful of people wanting to read my words. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
I’m contemplating writing a letter to the man who stole a part of my childhood.
I do not like the way my voice sounds on the phone. I thought I was 33, not 12.
I had to think about how old I am. Yes, 33 is correct.
I’m over this covid crap, the elections, and city life. I want to move to the middle of nowhere and be neighbors with the trees and wildlife. Maybe someday.
There ya have it, you’ve rummaged through some of the junk drawer that is my brain. Be well, my friends.
Type the title. Erase it. Type a new title, erase it and start typing a paragraph; I’ll think of a title after. Erase my three sentences and close the app. Stand at stare at my craft things. Pick up a canvas and put it back. Open WordPress, repeat the actions I did earlier. Decide to try macrame; it turns out terrible. Open WordPress once again.
I’m struggling tonight to find that creative and happy side of myself. Maybe it’s not just tonight; I’ve been feeling this way for days. I don’t know if it is the increase in negativity I’m seeing among people, stress over personal issues, or my meds aren’t doing their job properly. Maybe it’s a combination. Whatever the case, I don’t like it. I am feeling very meh. I know how quickly for me meh can turn into just existing. For those that have been with me a while, you know that is not a place I wish to go. I have an appointment with the neurologist on Wednesday and I plan to ask him about increasing the dose of my antidepressants. I thought the combination I’m on was working pretty well, but maybe not so much. Perhaps now would be a good time to ask my family what they have observed?
There’s a ton of thoughts navigating through my brain and feelings that I would like to express. I just can’t seem to get them out at the moment, but I thought I should at least write something so I don’t slip back into the bad habit of not writing for weeks on end. That said, I wish you all a wonderful weekend. Hugs.
Oh hello there, lovelies! How are you? I would love to tell you that I have some amazing excuse for my absence, but that would be a lie. More than anything, the guilt I’ve felt about not posting had me contemplating quitting my blog altogether or starting over. I did what I seem to do best, avoid the issue and then apologize (again) for my absence. I realize that at some point you may tire of all my “I’m sorry” posts. So if you’re still here to share in my journey, from the bottom of my heart, thank you! I will try to do better. There’s been many things taking an emotional toll on me lately and I’m trying so hard to stay upbeat, but you guys, I’m struggling. Because some of these things involve other people, I need to be respectful of their privacy. I don’t know if you all know this, but I’m kind of a self-proclaimed expert bottler; and so I will use my expertise to bottle up these emotions as well. As for the issues that are not so personal…I’m sure you all have noticed how much hate and division there seems to be everywhere you look. People are so divided about politics, the pandemic, equality and so on. People are arguing and name calling constantly. I try to just stay in my own little bubble and not let other people’s actions affect me, but it’s heartbreaking to see/hear. When did we become so focused on being right that we forgot to care about and love one another? When did we lose our ability to have civilized conversations and learn from each other? I know we can all do better. For now, I will concentrate on seeing the good in people and do what I can to show kindness to those I interact with. Taking a break from social media may be a good idea as well. On to the health stuff. Fibromyalgia continues to be a pain in my – everything. I’m feeling as though I must be in a flare because some days, it feels like I’ve been hit by an 18-wheeler. Side note – that’s never happened – maybe not a fair comparison. The pain clinic thought it would be a good idea to go back on pain killers for a bit. Good ol’ insurance has me waiting until they receive prior authorization. I have my muscle relaxers, but they don’t do much for me. Unfortunately, I’m still having my attacks (Psychogenic Dystonia). Although they are less frequent, they still hit pretty hard each time. Several of these episodes left me so sore that I was sure I had pulled a muscle or two. Let’s talk about laughing until (or while) you cry. Pseudo Bulbar Affect…uncontrollable laughing and or crying that is not appropriate for the circumstance. I hate these episodes more than the dystonia. I hyperventilate, sweat like crazy, and then sob between fits of laughter. I feel like I’m not in control and it scares me. I’m so thankful that these episodes don’t occur very often. The neurologist said there is a medicine he could give me, but I really don’t want any more meds. I think I’ll hold off as long as possible. I really don’t leave the house much, so I’m not too concerned about the embarrassment these cause. My kiddos understand them, but it does scare them a little. They try to leave the room when possible to offer me some privacy and allow me to not feel like such a spectacle. I’m sure there is more I wanted to share with you, but the thought train seems to be leaving the the station without me. Anyway, I really hope you all are doing well and staying healthy and happy. God bless you and yours.
So often over the last decade, I have found myself saying I miss the old me. Which old me was I missing though? Was it the grade school me, who really didn’t know anything? Was it the high school me, who cared what everyone thought, was self conscious, felt like a burden and was lonely? Was it the me who would self harm in a desperate attempt to feel in control of something? No, these were not versions of myself that I liked very much.
After thinking about it more, the me that I was missing, was the me I am supposed to be. I am still figuring out who that is, but I’m finally enjoying the process. Now that I have been on my new medicine for a while, my appetite remains that of a teenager, my weight is staying up, I have more energy, and for the most part my mood is good. I think I really like this me that is emerging, flaws and all. Having said that, I feel like now would be a good time to reintroduce myself.
Hi, my name is Nicole, but most of my family calls me Nikki or Nik. Of course I will still answer to J or Jo (as some of you sweetly nicknamed me). I have a wonderful husband and two kiddos that stole my heart. To be honest, my favorite nickname is the one they call me…Mommy. I am currently 33 years old (though sometimes I have to really think about it) and living in Arizona. I was born and raised here, with the exception of a couple years after I was born, living in Pennsylvania until my parents divorced. It really isn’t where I want to be, at least not in the valley. I long to live somewhere that is surrounded by green, has all four seasons and rains often. I love cloudy days and thunderstorms. Those are my favorite days and are especially good for crafting. My sewing table is one of my happy places. I also enjoy painting and doing any kind of crafts. Hot glue guns are fun…and dangerous…careful, boys and girls. I love to dance and sing, though I’m not particularly good at either. Actually, there are some that may argue that I’m tone deaf. I consider myself a shy person, but around people I am comfortable with I am quite the goofball. I have an addiction to coffee, dark chocolate, and mixed-berry smoothies. I am a woman of faith and have seen God’s love work through all of my pain. He has saved me from myself more than once. I do not talk politics with anyone outside of my immediate family. Please do not ask me to do so; I’ve seen friendships and families fall apart over them. Anxiety, depression, POTS, psychogenic dystonia and fibromyalgia are things I will talk about most, because they are a part of my daily life. I will also share bits of randomness with you, like pictures of sloths (my favorite), just to lighten the mood. I used to be so self conscious, that I could take plenty of “selfies” and decide that none of them were good enough to share with anyone – forehead is too big, smile isn’t right, too many smile lines, etc. I’m learning how to love those things too and stop worrying so much. God made me the way He wanted and I need to appreciate that. Plus, I want to share my story with you and that means the not so pretty stuff too. I want to show you the real me and what life is like in that particular moment.
When I began blogging, I wasn’t sure anyone would really care what I have to say. What I’ve learned so far is that there are people who do enjoy reading my words and have found them helpful. If I can help a single person by sharing my story, then I am happy. Writing is a good therapy tool for me as well. I have also found an amazing community that is supportive. I am so thankful for all of you. I thank you for taking the time to get to know me (again). God bless you.
Hello, dear friends. I will try to do a post tomorrow on how my appointment with the movement disorder specialist went.
Tonight though, I just wanted to check in with everyone. Covid-19 is affecting so many people in so many ways. Our little family is trying to stay in as much as possible. While the seriousness of this virus is scary, the other thing I worry about is people losing their sense of humanity. You have people who are hoarding essential items or harming others over the essentials. I pray that this virus does not harden hearts.
So, my question to you is this:
Where are you? More importantly, how are you doing (physically, mentally, emotionally)?
On a lighter note, here are some things I found on Facebook that I found amusing in regards to the toilet paper shortage.
I keep joking about sewing tp squares in pretty patterns and super soft material. I DO plan on trying to sew masks this weekend and then donate them to assisted living facilities that are in short supply.
Please take care, friends. Praying for all of you and your loved ones.
Hello, friends! Back in October, I shared with you that I had been having seizures. I did finally make it in to see the neurologist in November. He ordered a brain mri, which thankfully came back negative. He also ordered an EEG. It also came back negative. The doctor’s conclusion? Movement Disorder. He could not say what type of movement disorder; for this I would need to see a movement disorder specialist. Ugh, more referrals, more phone calls, more denials, more stress. Thankfully my momma bear came to the rescue again. Last week she found a doctor, and my appointment is set for the 12th of this month. I have a good feeling about this one; I really think we’ll be able to get some answers. We are all anxious as it has been a trying several months. For a little while the episodes seemed to let up, and I even started driving again. Unfortunately, they are back full-force and I have quit driving once more. There were four times while driving that I had these episodes. Thankfully, I was able to pull over before they went full blown. It’s too scary and they escalate so quickly. I can’t take the risk of putting my family or anyone else in danger.
I was hesitant to add this video, but I wanted to give you all an idea of what I am talking about when I mention these episodes (attacks, as we call them). My muscles tighten up and have a difficult time releasing. The positions that I end up in at times are so painful. The more severe episodes leave me completely wiped out and in need of a long nap. This video shows a mild episode that I had last night. Please excuse the goofy attire and crazy hair -it was a lazy Sunday.
I pray you all have a wonderful week. Thank you all for your patience, kindness and support.
December went by far too fast, as it does every year. I hope that you all had a safe and fun New Year’s Eve. I am thankful for the memories made, the lessons learned, the blessings and the struggles that 2019 brought. I pray that this new year brings you all love and happiness!
Now that the holidays are over and things are slowing down a bit, my goal is to get back to blogging regularly. I’m trying my best to get through a depressive episode, so it may take me some time to get back into it. Thank you for being patient with me and sticking around. Lots of hugs to you all.