I Had a Bad Day 😣

Today (technically yesterday, now) was a bad one. As the whole family has been keeping some late Summer nights, it started like most days…waking up close to 11am, except today started with another massive headache. The kind where you don’t want to move, be in the light, hear noise, talk, or even chew your food. It was like a nightmare of a hangover, but without the party story to tell. My mom stopped over and brought us all lunch. I hardly touched it and took a couple of Tylenol. Fibro and back pain also thought it was time to play. Sharp pains through random body parts, skin that felt bruised to the touch, back pain pain that wrapped around the front like labor pains.

Just minutes after my mom left, the fun really kicked in. I walked into the laundry room and suddenly a wave of doom washed over me. I felt like a horrible memory had been triggered, but no idea what that memory was. I slumped down, back against the washer and told the kids to see if Nanna had drove away yet (she’s very familiar with panic attacks) or to get their dad. I wanted to cry. My body felt like it was being heated from the inside, out. I felt like I had a fire and tingling inside my head. The sense of doom passed quickly, but it was a scary feeling.

The kids allowed me some time to nap, which helped with the pain, but I still wasn’t feeling quite right. As I went into the laundry room, the same sense of panic set in. It felt just like the first time. Maybe this one was triggered by the recollection of the first one. Once again, the sense of doom passed quickly, but the tingling fire feeling stuck around for hours. Even as I type this, my head doesn’t feel right. I text my mom and she offered to come back over since my husband had to work. I declined because I knew she was busy, but then she said she was heading over. I’m glad she insisted. She was also sweet enough to go pick up my antidepressant.

I believe that little pill is responsible for much of today’s excitement. Ok, actually I’m responsible – er, irresponsible. I ran out of my little happy pills a couple of days ago and kept forgetting to pick up the refill. I do okay if I miss one night, but two or more throws off my groove. I guess this time, my groove went far away. I took my pill tonight, but I know it might take a couple days to get my system right. I will not make this mistake again. Today has been hell, but tomorrow will be better – hopefully.

Thanks for reading. I will try to make tomorrow’s post a little more happy. Take care, friends.

With love,

J♡

Another Arts and Crafts Day

Our daughter has been a little apprehensive about going on vacation without us. She says she’ll miss us too much. I want her to go and have a great time. She’ll be able to swim, make sandcastles, and spend quality time with her grandparents. I thought that maybe making her a purse to take on vacation would help. I headed over to my mom’s house today, to spend some mom and daughter time, and paint the jean purse I made. It’s not done yet, but I think she’s going to like it!

See that iced coffee? That’s crafting fuel. Yummy!

Now, I just need to figure out something to make our son to take on vacation. I’m thinking a drawstring backpack. We’ll see.

And then there’s this quick little craft: one of those countdown paper chains.

I made it because I’m anxious for the procedure, but also because my inner child still likes playing with paper and glue. Who am I to argue?

Wishing you all a great night/day.

With love,

J♡

Some Happy News for Me

I haven’t been very good with my posts this week; I’m sorry. It is partially because I’ve been busy. If I’m being honest…it was partially because I was pouting.

Tuesday was the day I was supposed to receive a phone call with an update about insurance approval and scheduling of the spinal cord stimulator trial. I waited, but no call. I don’t like to be a pest, so I decided I would wait until Wednesday and call them in the afternoon. Then I decided, no, I’ll wait until Thursday; that’ll be one week from the last conversation with the coordinator.

Well, I waited with my phone all day yesterday, like a teenage girl waiting for her crush to call on the landline. Nothing. I waited until about 10 this morning and gave a call. Answering machine…damnit. I left my voice message and true to my nature, apologized for pestering her. She called me back about an hour later, and guess what?! Insurance gave the approval and I am now scheduled!!! I will have the procedure done on the 25th and then have the leads removed on July 2nd. I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am for this! I have confidence that this is going to work, and that I’ll be able to get the permanent implant after, and life will be better.

There is a downfall to my good news though. It just so happens to be scheduled during the week we were supposed to go on vacation. The kids will still be able to go with their grandparents. I told my husband he should go and have a great time. He declined and is choosing to stay here with me. How sweet is that? I’m beyond blessed to have his love and support, even though I know this procedure terrifies him.

That’s all for now. I hope you all have something in your day that makes you smile. Take care.

With love,

J♡

My Life, This Thursday

I feel accomplished today, but oh so drained and my body absolutely hates me. Today was one of those days where I pushed to do more than I can handle. I tidied up the house, vacuumed, mopped, took out the trash, showered, did some laundry, and most importantly kept the kids alive. I know that for many people, those tasks are no big deal, completing them multiple times a week and then some, but that’s not my world anymore. I feel like I have just worked a forty hour week. I don’t say this for sympathy or a pat on the back; I say it as a reminder to myself that I am doing the best I can and that is good enough. I often find myself feeling guilty that I don’t accomplish more daily, or compare myself to other people who tackle so much more in life. I’m trying to break this habit since it only hurts my mental and physical well being.

I found out today, that my primary insurance has approved the spinal cord stimulation trial, and now we’re just waiting for approval from our secondary insurance. The woman who handles all of this at the pain clinic, said she would get an update and get back to me by Tuesday, as she will be out of the office until then. I said to her, “sorry, I don’t mean to be a pain in the butt, I’m just anxious for pain relief”. She responded with “no, you’re fine, I completely understand”. What a sweetheart! The healthcare world needs more people like her.

My kids are amazing. I feel guilty so often that I am not the mother I would like to be, for them. They are so understanding and helpful when they know I am hurting really bad or am exhausted. They don’t mind when I need a nap and often times insist that I take one. I don’t even think they realize how much this means to me, though I try to tell them often.

I got bit by so many mosquitos today, that I am convinced there must have been on sign on me reading, All You Can Eat Buffet. When Noah was told to take two of each living creature on the arc, are we sure that mosquitoes were on the list? I need more Citronella candles asap.


Another pain pill in my body for the night and I’m ready to just do nothing.

Wishing you all a Happy whatever day it is, depending on where you are in the world. Take care, friends.

Images from http://Pixabay.com

With love,

J♡

Why am I Screwed Up?

Looking at me, you wouldn’t know that I have a total of seven screws in my spine and a titanium cage in the space where my disk used to reside. Understandably, when I see a new doctor and they ask about previous surgeries, they are a little taken aback with my answer. They see a thirty-something female, who from the outside, looks fairly healthy. The typical response is usually along the lines of “Wow, what happened? Were you in an accident or did you fall or something?” Nope, don’t know why I’ve had all this trouble with my back.

I can tell you now from looking at the surgeon’s report from my first fusion, that I had degenerative disc disease of the lumbar spine. But why? Why all the issues and pain? What got the proverbial ball rolling roughly ten years ago? I’ve pondered this quite a bit over the years, and here are the possible explanations I’ve come up with; some are more farfetched than others. In no particular order:

  • My dad used to toss me back and forth with someone when I was little. Maybe I was dropped? I joke about this more than anything (Love ya, Dad).
  • Maybe it was that time in elementary school, when I slipped getting out of the jacuzzi and fell on my rear end.
  • Maybe it was from running track with flat feet my freshman year of high school. That’s how I ended up with stress fractures in both shins.
  • Perhaps using tanning beds throughout my teen years caused more than the occasional ‘sun burn’. Absolutely no scientific research that I am aware of.
  • I gained forty pounds in my first pregnancy. Maybe the extra weight and childbirth caused all this. If that was the case, I wouldn’t change a thing. I have an amazing son to show for it.
  • On the same note, was it caused by the epidural somehow?
  • Perhaps I am being punished for all my wrongdoings.
  • Maybe my days of self-harm played a role.
  • Maybe God chose me for this battle, so that I could help others somehow.

Maybe one day I’ll have my answer and hopefully one day I’ll have no more back pain. Until then, who knows what else my imagination may come up with.

With love,

J♡

My Tuesday

Positives for today:

  • My daughter had an awards ceremony in her classroom. She received three awards. She has kept all A’s this school year, and I am so very proud of her. Seeing her face light up when we walked into her classroom was so sweet. The parents of the other three kiddos at her table, could not be there today, so I got to enjoy the stories they shared with me instead.
  • My son had his 6th grade promotion ceremony this evening. There have been many struggles with school up until now, but it is amazing how much he has grown in that time. I am very proud of the young man he is becoming. I can’t believe he’ll be moving on to junior high in the fall. I have to admit, when the principal announced them as the class of 2025, I suddenly felt old. I think it’s neat that he will graduate twenty years after me.
  • My foot and ankle felt much better for most of the day.
  • I got to spend some family time this evening.
  • I accomplished a lot of the housework I’d been neglecting.

Negatives for today:

  • I didn’t get a nap
  • I spent most of the afternoon and evening with a migraine.
  • After all the activity today, I was in so much I felt like screaming.
  • It’s now midnight, which means I technically failed to post before the day was over…grrr. I will do better tomorrow.

Well, that is all. My pain pill is kicking in and I’m tired. Thanks for reading my babbles. Have a great day/night, all.

With love,

J♡

I’m a Party Animal

Okay, no. That was a lie. My grandma has a better social life than I do, no joke. Normally, my Saturday involves staying in my pajamas and drinking coffee all day, but today I went to a party.

Actually, it was an end of the year party for the 6th graders, that my son was invited to. His friend planned this fun shindig, and his mom, being a friend I made last year, invited me to stay. It was a last minute party, so I didn’t hear about it until Thursday. I don’t do well with last minute things, but being they are friends, it was much easier to accept the invitation. I brought a friend with me though…anxiety. Oh boy, is she fun. The three of us, my son, anxiety and I, walked through the house to the backyard. There must have been fifty kids, half of whom were taller than me. A few other moms were there as well, but I did not know them. Anxiety kept telling me to bolt for the car, but I slapped her and told her we’re doing this. I tried to make myself useful and help put out the snacks. I made chit-chat with the other moms, who were actually very nice. At times I did find myself sitting or standing alone, not sure if I should flee, but I stayed and actually had a really nice time. My back was killing me by the end, but it felt good to get out and socialize, rather than sit like a lump at home. Better yet, my son had a great time!

Anxiety might be an unwanted tag along, but I’m slowly learning to show her who’s boss. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to put on my pajamas and have some coffee. 😊

With love,

J♡

Don’t Drink That

I just ruined a perfectly delicious cup of coffee by adding chocolate whey-protein to it. It is whey disgusting! The directions said I could add it to my favorite beverage, and that just happens to be coffee. Chocolate and coffee sounded like a delicious combination, but I was so very wrong. What now sits in my favorite mug, is this thick, gritty, foamy consistency that I just about spewed across the room. I didn’t want to be a quitter though, so I took a second sip, and a third. Nope…still horrid. I’m going to put it down the drain where it belongs and brew a fresh pot of coffee while I write this post. The weight gain attempt will just have to wait.

I’ve always been one of those people who struggle to put/keep on weight. The most I’ve ever weighed was 120lbs when I gained 35lbs during my first pregnancy. Some people may think, wow, your so lucky to be thin. Wrong. I hate it, always have. Besides the fact that it’s hard to find clothes to fit, it’s the comments and assumptions from people, that suck.

Oh my gosh, you’re so skinny!

Don’t you ever eat?!

You must be anorexic!

Real women have curves!

Only dogs like bones!

Have you done drugs?!

During my teen years, when depression first knocked on my door, these types of comments didn’t help. I tried not to let them get to me. At least at that time, I still had my physical health. Contrary to what others thought, my weight wasn’t a health problem. I was active. I danced my heart out in my free time and ran for fun (and track, my freshman year). I may have been thin, but I was also very strong.

Fast forward to now (age 32), and my weight, or lack of, really gets to me. I’m back at 88lbs. I’m not active like I used to be, so now I’m just thin and not muscular. This definitely feeds the depression and anxiety, and those feed the fibromyalgia. Despite my husband’s reassurances, I find myself worrying if he’s still attracted to me. What if I only get worse over the years?

One thing I’ve heard so many times since being diagnosed with fibro, is that exercise really helps. Well that would be great, but I’m in too much pain to do that. If I can manage to switch over the laundry and do the dishes, I consider it exercise because it feels like I just spent an hour at the gym, without the muscles to show for it.

My appetite isn’t great. Pain often leaves me feeling queesy, and fatigue means that many times I’ll choose a nap over food. I really want to gain weight. I’ve always wanted to get to 110lbs so I can donate blood. I’ve decided to try supplements…clearly they whey protein is not the one for me. There’s a pill out there that I’m going to try soon that is supposed to increase your appetite and help you gain/keep the weight. We’ll see.

In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy this fresh cup of delicious coffee. Remember to always be kind to others, and never judge. You never know what they are going through or why they are the way they are.

As always, thanks for letting me babble on. Hugs to all.

With love,

J♡