Posts

What it is Like

Hello, my friends! I hope you are all doing well. I have missed you. We are getting ready to sell our home, so I have been busy weeding through the clutter we have accumulated and packing up the important things. This is going to be a huge change for us as we are moving out of state. So long, Arizona! I will do my best to document the journey along the way.

Today though, I wanted to talk (again) about Fibromyalgia and other chronic “invisible” illnesses. So often, those of us who “don’t look sick” are judged based only on what others see and their lack of knowledge and understanding. I recently had an argument with someone close to me about this matter. Sadly, I know they are not the only one who feels this way. They perceive me as someone who is lazy because I cannot work, but they see that I have done other projects around my home. What they don’t see: medication to get through the pain, tears, restless nights, naps, fatigue, and three days of recovery. Try as I might to not let someone’s opinion of me get under my skin, it does. I try to keep in mind, that it is hard to comprehend what it is truly like dealing with chronic illness, until you have been through it yourself. Again, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I thought I would share some images that depict what my days are like with Fibromyalgia.

It is usually a day that you have the most on your “to do” list. Very inconvenient.
Fibro and Arizona do not get along well. At all.
The batteries are never at full charge.
More like 13, but who’s counting?

Be well, my friends. God bless you.

With love,

J💜

We are More Than Enough

Being in pain every day for the last thirteen years, is enough to make to make me want to give up. Knowing that I will likely be in pain every day for the rest of my life, is enough to make me want to give up. Having a body with an unusual way of dealing with stresses, anxiety and depression, is enough to make me want to give up. Yet, I don’t give up. I won’t give up. I wake up every day in a battle with my own body, and I go to bed the same way. I try my best to put a smile on my face, push through the pain, and do as much as my body will allow me, in order to take care of our home and family. Often times, this results in me paying for it over the next couple of days.

I don’t share all of this because I want sympathy. No; what I want, is understanding. It baffles my mind that people are so quick to judge me and people like myself. We get labeled as lazy or unwilling to work. We get labeled as antisocial or flaky. It’s true what they say; sometimes you have no idea what someone is going through until you have walked in their shoes. Here’s the thing though, I wouldn’t wish these shoes upon anyone. It is a battle every day, and every day I get through it with God and the support of my family.

What I would like, is to be believed. To be understood. Sadly, there are some people who will never understand. Not because they can’t, but because they don’t want to. It does not matter that they have witnessed the struggles with their own eyes. It does not matter that they have read the medical papers that you have provided them. No; it’s much easier for them to slap a label on you and call it a day. These are the people that can make you feel “less than”, but let me tell you something…you’re not “less than” and neither am I. We ARE enough. We are more than enough.

Be well my friends, remember your worth and God bless you.

With love,

J💜

Merrily Panicked

Merry Christmas, friends! I know this year has been a tough one, but I hope that you are finding some peace and joy in the next couple of days.

It happens every year…I gripe about the Arizona summer temperatures, anxiously await Halloween, and then boom, it’s Christmas Eve. I don’t understand why the year seemingly drags on, and then is in fast forward after Halloween. What I do understand, is that just like every other year, it is suddenly Christmas Eve and I am fighting with all my might to not have a meltdown. Don’t get me wrong, I love the get-togethers on Christmas Eve and Day, but the time crunch of it all definitely adds to my stress and anxiety. Thanks to bad pain days, functional Dystonia, and (let’s face it) my inner procrastinator, I am left scrambling tonight to finish wrapping gifts, wishing I had made more homemade gifts, and baking cookies for Santa with the kids. I’m trying to decide when would be the best time to shower. I’m contemplating skipping a dose of my meds so I don’t sleep in too late. I’ve considered taking it earlier, but if I do, it will make me tired and there’s just too much to do. We’re on a time schedule to get to family’s house in the morning, which means we need to wake up early in order to not be rushed through our Christmas at home. I know these things I’m stressing over may not seem like a huge deal, but for me they are overwhelming. I can feel a dystonic episode brewing and I am praying it stays at bay. I’m a bit like a computer…too many commands and I’m bound to freeze up and shut down. This is also problematic when it comes to get-togethers. The multiple conversations taking place in one room, the crinkling of wrapping paper being ripped away, and any type of background noise…it’s a complete sensory overload. Sensory overload, equals lights on, no one is home.

Well, I better get back to the ‘to-do’ list before I short circuit; I’ve already spent more time on this post than I alloted myself.

Wishing you all a wonderful, joy filled, safe, and stress free holiday. God bless.

With love,

J♡

Fighting Myself

Hello, friends. Depression looks different for each person and we all have our own ways of handling the monster. Along with medication, prayer and writing have been great tools for me. I wrote this poem during one of my recent low points.

Before reading any further:
If you are struggling right now, please know that you are not alone and you ARE loved. Reach out to a family member, friend, lifeline. Just don’t give up.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255)


Fighting Myself

A different kind of tired
A night of sleep won’t fix
Tears stream down
Don’t want to feel like this

Must keep moving
Distract the body and mind
Push the thoughts away
They don’t feel like mine

Focus my energy
Try to lift people up
Crying inside
Tell others they’re loved

Know what it’s like
To feel lost and alone
Praying to God
Please take me Home

My plea He won’t grant
Not yet, but some day
Right now I am needed
So here, I will stay

Behind locked doors
Where nobody knows
Tears hit the ground
While God holds me close


Thanks for reading.

With love,
J♡

Gobble and Wobble

Hello, friends! It’s Thanksgiving evening here. Today, my daughter helped me make the green bean casserole to take to dinner at my mom’s house. Our day and dinner got off to a bit of a rough start (thanks inorganic dystonia), but it’s okay. My belly is full from turkey, sides, and of course, pumpkin pie…yum! You know what is more full than my tummy? My heart. I am truly blessed to have a wonderful and supportive family; one that is loving, encouraging, patient and forgiving. I am so thankful for each one of them.

I am also so very thankful for each one of you! You take moments of your precious time to read my words, share in my ups and downs, or leave words of love and encouragement. That amazes me and fills my heart with so much joy; thank you! I hope you are all having a wonderful day (even if it’s not Thanksgiving)! God bless.

With love,

J♡

The Spam I Received Tonight…Grrr

Hello, dear friends! Beware, there is an ass-hat on the loose. If you receive anything from me (comments, etc.) that seem out of character, please reach out and let me know. I received an email through my contact page tonight that I am not happy about. This is the first time I have had to deal with something like this since starting my blog. Have any of you received something similar? I’m sharing screenshots so you can see what I’m talking about.

To the lovely individual who sent this to me, there are some things you should know:

  1. My site/”business” doesn’t generate any money.
  2. I’m fairly certain my net worth is a negative number, so good luck with that.
  3. I have documented everything.
  4. You have been reported.
  5. Please find a better way to spend your time.

To my friends, be well!

With love,

J♡

Not the Same

Pull up to your house

Your blinds are not open

You’re not in your chair

Ready to welcome

Take a deep breath

Walk through your door

A quick glance around

You aren’t here anymore

Not wrapped up in your hug

No kiss upon my face

Overwhelmingly odd

Standing here in this space

Make my way to your room

Sit at the end of your bed

Let myself cry

Memories fill my head

Tell you I love you

That I wish you were here

Close my eyes for a moment

You feel so near

Grab a sweater from your closet

One that is cozy and blue

I’ll wrap it around me

To feel close to you

I love you, Grandma. Xo


Thank you for reading.

With love,

J♡

Uh Oh!

Oh yes, I’ve done it! I’ve broken the rules. I’ve become a rebel. I’ve put up the Christmas tree before Thanksgiving (gasp!), and you know something…I don’t feel bad about it. Not. One. Bit. This has been a really rough year, and I am ready to be in the Christmas spirit. While I pieced together the artificial pine and wrapped it in lights, I added my off-key vocals to the sweet sound of the Christmas classics. We may wait until after Thanksgiving to add the ornaments, and that would be okay. Just putting up the tree and staring at it’s glow in a dark room was just the mood lift I needed, and oh boy did I need it.

When I saw the neurologist last week, he and I decided that it would be a good idea to increase my antidepressant (one of them). I know that it takes a while for these things to build up in your system. If ever there was a time when I needed it to happen quickly, it’s now. I have felt myself slipping back into my darker depression days and if I’m honest, it was worrying me. Old, unhealthy coping mechanisms were just one impulse move away. I fought hard to push those thoughts and urges away, and more than once cried out to God ‘I need your help’. He heard my cries and saved me from myself like he’s done so many times before. I know that my depression is a daily battle, but I also know that I don’t have to fight it alone. I wish this was something I realized many years ago when self harm was the weapon of choice in my battle.

While I enjoy the beauty of the tree lighting up the room tonight, I will focus on the real Light in my darkness and be thankful for His love. You all are in my thoughts and prayers. If you’re in a battle right now, keep fighting; you’re not alone.

With love,

J♡

Let the Storm Come

Let the winds come

Stir up this pain

Let it dance among the leaves

Be carried away

Let the clouds roll in

Cover the hurt

Let it be shadowed

Blend with the earth

Let the thunder sound

Blend with the cries

Let it play in your orchestra

To the beat that’s inside

Let the rain pour

Collide with tears

Let them fall to the ground

Along with the fears

Let the lightning flash

Illuminate all that is good

Let it outshine the despair

Just like it should

Let the storm come

Repair this soul

Let it be renewed

Make it feel whole


Thank you for reading. Wishing you all well.

With love,

J♡