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Gobble and Wobble

Hello, friends! It’s Thanksgiving evening here. Today, my daughter helped me make the green bean casserole to take to dinner at my mom’s house. Our day and dinner got off to a bit of a rough start (thanks inorganic dystonia), but it’s okay. My belly is full from turkey, sides, and of course, pumpkin pie…yum! You know what is more full than my tummy? My heart. I am truly blessed to have a wonderful and supportive family; one that is loving, encouraging, patient and forgiving. I am so thankful for each one of them.

I am also so very thankful for each one of you! You take moments of your precious time to read my words, share in my ups and downs, or leave words of love and encouragement. That amazes me and fills my heart with so much joy; thank you! I hope you are all having a wonderful day (even if it’s not Thanksgiving)! God bless.

With love,

J♡

The Spam I Received Tonight…Grrr

Hello, dear friends! Beware, there is an ass-hat on the loose. If you receive anything from me (comments, etc.) that seem out of character, please reach out and let me know. I received an email through my contact page tonight that I am not happy about. This is the first time I have had to deal with something like this since starting my blog. Have any of you received something similar? I’m sharing screenshots so you can see what I’m talking about.

To the lovely individual who sent this to me, there are some things you should know:

  1. My site/”business” doesn’t generate any money.
  2. I’m fairly certain my net worth is a negative number, so good luck with that.
  3. I have documented everything.
  4. You have been reported.
  5. Please find a better way to spend your time.

To my friends, be well!

With love,

J♡

Not the Same

Pull up to your house

Your blinds are not open

You’re not in your chair

Ready to welcome

Take a deep breath

Walk through your door

A quick glance around

You aren’t here anymore

Not wrapped up in your hug

No kiss upon my face

Overwhelmingly odd

Standing here in this space

Make my way to your room

Sit at the end of your bed

Let myself cry

Memories fill my head

Tell you I love you

That I wish you were here

Close my eyes for a moment

You feel so near

Grab a sweater from your closet

One that is cozy and blue

I’ll wrap it around me

To feel close to you

I love you, Grandma. Xo

Thank you for reading.

With love,

J♡

Uh Oh!

Oh yes, I’ve done it! I’ve broken the rules. I’ve become a rebel. I’ve put up the Christmas tree before Thanksgiving (gasp!), and you know something…I don’t feel bad about it. Not. One. Bit. This has been a really rough year, and I am ready to be in the Christmas spirit. While I pieced together the artificial pine and wrapped it in lights, I added my off-key vocals to the sweet sound of the Christmas classics. We may wait until after Thanksgiving to add the ornaments, and that would be okay. Just putting up the tree and staring at it’s glow in a dark room was just the mood lift I needed, and oh boy did I need it.

When I saw the neurologist last week, he and I decided that it would be a good idea to increase my antidepressant (one of them). I know that it takes a while for these things to build up in your system. If ever there was a time when I needed it to happen quickly, it’s now. I have felt myself slipping back into my darker depression days and if I’m honest, it was worrying me. Old, unhealthy coping mechanisms were just one impulse move away. I fought hard to push those thoughts and urges away, and more than once cried out to God ‘I need your help’. He heard my cries and saved me from myself like he’s done so many times before. I know that my depression is a daily battle, but I also know that I don’t have to fight it alone. I wish this was something I realized many years ago when self harm was the weapon of choice in my battle.

While I enjoy the beauty of the tree lighting up the room tonight, I will focus on the real Light in my darkness and be thankful for His love. You all are in my thoughts and prayers. If you’re in a battle right now, keep fighting; you’re not alone.

With love,

J♡

Let the Storm Come

Let the winds come

Stir up this pain

Let it dance among the leaves

Be carried away

Let the clouds roll in

Cover the hurt

Let it be shadowed

Blend with the earth

Let the thunder sound

Blend with the cries

Let it play in your orchestra

To the beat that’s inside

Let the rain pour

Collide with tears

Let them fall to the ground

Along with the fears

Let the lightning flash

Illuminate all that is good

Let it outshine the despair

Just like it should

Let the storm come

Repair this soul

Let it be renewed

Make it feel whole


Thank you for reading. Wishing you all well.

With love,

J♡

I Screwed Up Dinner and Then Some

Needless to say, November started terribly. Add that to the rest of the year and it’s a recipe for an emotional storm. If you’ve been with me a while, you know that my body does not respond well to heightened emotions. Depression, check. Fibro flare, check. Psychogenic Dystonia episodes (attacks, as I call them), check. These attacks are bound to happen; I’m not shocked when they do occur. They do however, still hold that element of surprise. Where will I be when it begins? What will I be doing? How long will it last? Which body parts will be affected? Wednesday gifted me with not one, but two episodes. Luckily, I felt them coming and got myself to a safe place. They also didn’t last very long, which I was thankful for. When my mom learned of Wednesday’s episodes, she said I had reached my limit for the week and wasn’t allowed any more. Well, I must be an overachiever because on Thursday I had another one. If this is your first time reading my blog, I have a strange sense of humor and sarcasm; just roll with it.

Cue dinnertime. My husband and I were making tacos and chimichangas. Bellies grumbling, this was going to be a delicious and satisfying meal. Everything was ready, and the oil in the pan was hot, ready to magically turn burritos into chimichangas. The picky eaters (kiddos) had already eaten. My husband had warmed up his tortilla and layered his ingredients when I heard him ask, “aren’t you going to warm your tortilla?”. I wanted to answer, but I couldn’t. I responded in my head, but could not get the words out. Our backs were to each other as I was at the counter opposite of the stove. I was midway through closing the bag of tortillas when I just froze. At that particular moment, my body said I’m done and I guess I didn’t get a say in the matter. I really feel like I should be a part of these major decisions. Once my husband had asked a couple times what was wrong and got no response, he did his best to help me. I am used to the episodes that cause my muscles to tighten and contort me however they see fit, but this one was different. I just stopped, stared off, couldn’t speak, couldn’t move. My arms may have well been cooked spaghetti noodles. I couldn’t lift them, couldn’t grab my plate, couldn’t hug my daughter back as she offered comfort. It was frustrating to say the least. Slowly I regained my words and I did manage with my husband’s help, to get my feet moving. I shuffled back and forth in the kitchen in hopes that maybe some muscle memory would kick in. Nothing. Back to the counter. I asked to have my arms lifted and rest on the counter so I could concentrate on making my hands and arms do something, anything. I attempted to lift my hand. I felt muscles tighten, but they were the wrong ones. What I got instead was a tight upper arm and an elbow that felt glued to the counter and still nothing from my hand. The more my husband tried to help and the more I tried to concentrate on getting body parts to cooperate, the more my upper body tightened. I told my husband to finish cooking his food and eat without me. Being the sweetheart he is, he insisted on waiting for me. I felt bad that his food was getting soggy the longer it sat. Everything else on the stove was cooling down. The oil in the pan was burning and needed to be turned off. Back to shuffling around the kitchen. Then, the familiar muscle tightening I’m used to. Feet together, legs straight, jaw pulling to one side, my husband had to pick me up and carry me to the couch. The whole attack lasted about an hour. I had ruined a great dinner, later evident by the not so fresh taste of the food. Other than the grumble in my belly, all I could seem to focus on during that time, were the negative thoughts swishing around in my mind. I’m a burden. I mess up good things. It’s not fair that my husband has to deal with this. What if I’m the cause of his stress? He probably wishes he had never met me. It’s only a matter of time before he leaves. Does he feel obligated to stay? He resents me. The kids shouldn’t have to take care of me or watch this. Are they going to have the same issues? Is this going to be how they remember me someday? I suppose I have anxiety and depression to thank for all the intrusive thoughts. They are the salt poured into an open wound. As I type this, I know that most of those thoughts are not things I need worry about; at least I hope that is the case. Yet, they still linger at the back of my mind, just waiting for depression and anxiety to open the gates and allow them to overwhelm me.

I know I have no right to complain, but some moments really make me question why I can’t just be normal. I know I need to trust God’s timing and purpose for me. I hope that I am not disappointing Him each time my head fills with so much negativity.

I hope all of you are doing well. Sending hugs.

With love,

J♡

Heaven Gained a Wonderful Woman

Hello, friends. I’m afraid I have some bad news. Yesterday afternoon, Heaven gained a wonderful woman. God calls her Child. Those she left behind call her Mom, Friend, Nana, Granny. I call her Grandma. She is a beautiful, smart, witty, crafty, talented woman who will be missed tremendously. She loved with all her heart and gave hugs that could ease your pain. She had the motherly/grandmother intuition that let her know when something was wrong. Sometimes she would text me, ” Nik, you can’t hide things from Grandma. You can tell me anything”, and I could because I knew that she would keep my secrets safe. She and I had a grandma/granddaughter sleep over some years ago that didn’t quite go as planned. We kept saying that she owed me another one. I told her last night, “you owe me a girls night when I get there”. I know that hopefully that won’t be for a long time from now, but I wanted her to know I hadn’t forgotten about it. The pain of losing her keeps coming in waves. Her going Home yesterday was completely unexpected and the whole family is hurting and a bit in shock. I would like to ask you all to please pray for peace and comfort, especially for her children, most of whom are living across country. I know that this must be especially hard on them being so far away. My uncle who was living with her is going to have a lot to handle and could use prayers for peace, comfort and strength.

I Guess God Needed You More

I just spoke to you on Friday

It was so good to hear your voice

We’d talk again I was sure

But I guess God needed you more

You were going to stop by tomorrow

You had a box of food for us

You said you’d leave it outside the door

But I guess God needed you more

Christmas will be here soon

I had your gift all planned out

I was going to paint the picture you asked me for

But I guess God needed you more

I’ve been terrible about calling

We didn’t visit nearly enough

You still had plenty of time in this world

But I guess God needed you more

Friends, hug those around you, pick up the phone, make the trip. We are not promised tomorrow; let them know now how much you love them.

With love,

J♡

The Letter I Mentioned

An open letter:

Dear _________,

I bet you never thought you would hear from me, huh? Many years ago, I’m sure this letter would look quite different. Years ago, I would have written words out of anger, disgust and hurt. Today, I am writing this letter to tell you that I forgive you. I’ll never know why you made the choices you did, and I don’t want or need to. What you did to me was wrong and yes, it caused emotional damage, not only for me, but the entire family. I was blessed to be able to rekindle the relationship with Aunt ________ that you stole. You may have caused great pain, but with God I have been able to turn that pain into an incredible strength. I have given it all to Him and no longer hold feelings of ill will. I forgive you. I will never know if those words mean anything to you, and that is okay. I pray that you have changed your ways and asked God for forgiveness. The last I heard, your health was not great. I will pray for your healing. God bless.

Nikki

Incomplete Thoughts

Good morning/afternoon/evening! While I’m still struggling to put together complete thoughts, I figured I would share some of the things bouncing around inside my noggin.

  • Some days I feel like I’ve lost my marbles. I found some among my craft things, but I’m not sure they are mine.
  • Those little captcha things you have to do when downloading something…they make you check the “I’m not a robot” box. Every time I click it, it feels like a lie. With all the screws and battery and wires from my surgeries, I think I am part bot.
  • I feel guilty that I am unable to work and contribute financially. The guilt doubles on days that I struggle to complete housework.
  • When someone cracks a joke about me not having a job, it’s not funny. It makes me feel useless.
  • I need to start making Christmas gifts, but the procrastinator in me says I’ll probably be finishing them two days before Christmas.
  • When someone asks how I am doing and I reply with, “good, thanks”, it doesn’t mean my chronic health issues have gone away. It means that at that moment, I am tolerating/hiding it better.
  • I miss driving.
  • As I was looking through the “stats” page and noticing the different countries views are coming from, it filled my heart with joy. When I started blogging, I never imagined more than a handful of people wanting to read my words. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
  • I’m contemplating writing a letter to the man who stole a part of my childhood.
  • I do not like the way my voice sounds on the phone. I thought I was 33, not 12.
  • I had to think about how old I am. Yes, 33 is correct.
  • I’m over this covid crap, the elections, and city life. I want to move to the middle of nowhere and be neighbors with the trees and wildlife. Maybe someday.

There ya have it, you’ve rummaged through some of the junk drawer that is my brain. Be well, my friends.

With love,

J♡