A Poem Stuck in my Head

I’m not sure why, but this morning a line from a poem popped in my head and got stuck there. The same line over and over:

“If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;”

I think it was 15 years ago that I first learned this poem, and almost as long since I last read it. I decided to look it up and share it with you all.

If

By Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build’em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!

Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/if-by-rudyard-kipling


With love,

J♡

A Quick Poem About Parenting

It seems most of our days have been this way, this year. Thankfully, there’s only a week left of school.

Woke up late

Hair’s a mess

Spilled my coffee

Trying not to stress

Shuffle the kids

Out the door

A routine we’ve done

A hundred times before

They are tired and moody

As am I

Which of us

Will be the first to cry

It can’t be me

Have to stay strong

Set a good example

To break down is wrong


Thanks for reading.

With love,

J♡

Don’t Leave; I’m Still Here

Okay, first things first…who the heck has been praying for my patience? ‘Fess up! Whoever you are, I ❤ you and appreciate your kindness, but you can stop now. Please.

This has been a busy, chaotic, stress filled couple of weeks. So once again, I found myself neglecting my blog. This upsets me deeply, as I made a promise to myself when I started this, that I would keep up with it. I wasn’t going to toss it to the side like so many other projects I’ve started. I have a tendency to just shut down when I feel overwhelmed, then the guilt and other negative thoughts start to creep in, which makes me shut down more. When depression starts banging on the door, I don’t feel much like communicating with anyone. I’ll be honest; I’ve hardly looked at the WordPress app icon, let alone open it these last two weeks. The funny thing is, that’s probably when I should have been on the most. To connect with others on here, express the chaos that’s in my head, and read something that’s enjoyable to me, has been a tremendous help the last seven months. If I haven’t already mentioned, I’m a procrastinator at heart. This is something I want to change also. Starting now, I am going to post something every day. It may just be a picture or a couple of sentences, some days. I don’t want to bombard you with my posts, but I feel that making myself post something each day will get me into a better habit and my blog will never feel neglected again.

An update on the lab work I had done and the spinal cord stimulation trial:

My bone density scan hasn’t really changed since my last one, four years ago. It still shows osteopenia. I am thankful that it has not progressed to osteoporosis. All of my bloodwork came back normal. The 24 hour urine collection I had to do, could not be completed due to not having enough sample. I can’t help that I didn’t have to pee much that day, sheesh. So now I have to redo that test. Oh yes, the ever so fun, tinkle into a plastic ‘toilet hat’ and then pour it into a collection jug, every time for 24 hours. Grossed out, yet? Who comes up with these tests anyway?

I had my one time visit with the psych doctor for the stimulation trial (nice guy). He explained that the insurance company requires this visit because the trial and permanent placement is a very expensive procedure and they want to make sure that the pain doctor, psychologist and you all feel this is the right option. After hearing that and answering all the paper and oral questions, I had a different interpretation of why they require the visit. The procedure is expensive and insurance wants to make sure that they are not going to fork out all this money, if you are just going to turn around and take your life. I know that sounds grim, but that’s the way my mind processed the information, sorry.

Now that I’ve had that visit, the PA at the pain clinic has submitted a request for the trial. Of course, it has to be approved by insurance before I can schedule. More waiting. In the meantime, she wrote me another prescription for hydrocodone, which I’ve been having to take daily. My eleven year old doesn’t like this and “lectures” me, because apparently they learned the dangers of opioid use, at school. I’m all for him being educated in the matter, and I hope he never ever needs them, but spare me the talk. I wouldn’t take them if I didn’t need them.

Are you tired of my babbling yet? I really just wanted to say that I’m still here, sorry I’ve been slacking, and thanks for sticking with me. I hope you all are doing well. Until tomorrow, friends.

With love,

J♡

Doctor Visits

Hi, everyone! How was your week?

I had my appointment with the family doctor on Tuesday. The whole reason I went was because the physician assistant (who is amazing) at the pain clinic, suggested I see about getting some blood work done. I had mentioned to her that I’ve been having night sweats and dizzy spells. I hadn’t told her about the easy bruising, itching, nausea and more than usual fatigue. My family doctor seems to think it may be a hormone thing. He ordered the usual tests, some to check hormone levels, and a 24 hour urine collection (so much fun 😒). He also ordered a bone density scan, as my last one was four years ago, and showed I had osteopenia. Hopefully that has improved or at least stayed the same.

The next day, I went for blood work. The waiting room was packed and the wait was a little over an hour long. Normally, this would cause my anxiety to go through the roof, but that day I stayed calm, even if I kept my head down most of the time. If I didn’t see the other people, they didn’t see me, right? I heard a few people grumbling about the wait time, and while I wasn’t thrilled about the wait, I needed to get this done. So I used my time to catch up on posts and delete old emails. The following morning, I went for my bone density scan. It’s generally quick and painless, but the way I had to keep my legs and feet caused such pain in my back and hips. I waddled out feeling like my back, legs and hips were going to shatter.

Now, I just need to schedule a follow up with the family doctor, to go over results. If I haven’t already mentioned, I am not a patient person when it comes to getting results of any kind back. I can even view the lab results on my own through the lab’s app, but they are not available for my view until Wednesday. This is driving me crazy. Of course it would be a good thing if all my labs come back “normal”, but there’s a part of me that hopes they don’t. Sounds weird, right? If everything comes back normal, then I’m still stuck with these symptoms and no reason as to why, or a solution.

Back to the nerve stimulation that I mentioned previously. I have my one time visit with the psychiatrist scheduled for May 8th, and then the follow up with the pain clinic physician assistant, two days later. I’m assuming and hoping that at that point, we will schedule the trial.

I wish you all a wonderful week!

With love,

J♡

Happy Easter and an Update

My dear friends, Happy Easter!

I know I’ve been pretty absent on here this month; I’m sorry. My mind has been all over the place and pain levels have been topping the scale. I’m mad at myself for letting my blog slide to the back burner, and more mad that I haven’t been keeping up with everyone else’s posts. I feel like I’m just playing this giant game of catch-up in life. With everything, I just want to get to the point where things are done routinely…but I’ll never get there until I win this game of catch-up. Some days it seems impossible. Some days I try very hard to accomplish everything I’ve slacked on, and then I spend several days letting it all slide again while my mind and body recover.

Speaking of pain, I met with the physician assistant at my pain clinic last week. I opted not to refill my Hydrocodone prescription (probably a stupid idea), but it doesn’t really do much for the pain. It just kind of puts me in a mild temporary high that allows me to forget the level of pain I’m at. We’ve decided to move forward with the nerve stimulation trial. They require a one time visit with a psychiatrist before proceeding, so I’m just waiting for that call. If the trial offers a great deal of pain relief, I’ll meet with my spine surgeon to discuss the permanent implant. I’ll keep you all posted as I go through this process. I have some other health concerns that I’m going to address with my family doctor this week. Something in my body just doesn’t feel right and it makes me a bit nervous. Who knows, maybe it’s just more of fibromyalgia’s surprise symptoms, but better safe than sorry.

I guess that’s all for now. I hope that you all are doing well and had a lovely weekend. Xo

With love,

J♡

A Bit of This and That

Good morning (afternoon/evening), friends! Here’s my random post for this Friday…it is Friday, right?! My days and times get so mixed up.

My son is fascinated by accents, as am I. Truth be told I’ve always been a bit jealous that I don’t have one. Although, maybe to others, I do? Anyway, my son has a report he’s working on at school that led him to want to try speaking in a British accent. To YouTube we went…so many great teaching videos on there. I think I need more practice. I sound ridiculous, I’m sure. Any suggestions?

As I was heading to pick the kids up from school yesterday, I saw a power wheelchair stopped in the bike lane. Wanting to make sure someone wasn’t stranded in need of help, I glanced over. The chair was empty. Looked over past the sidewalk and a man appeared to be relieving his bladder against the wall. I thought for just a second about calling it in, but I don’t want someone to end up with a sex offender title simply because they couldn’t hold their pee. I hope I made the right decision.

This morning on my way home from dropping the kids at school, I witnessed a poor bird die. He fluttered real hard into the street and when I got a better look, he’s wings looked very damaged. He probably had been hit by a car. I wanted so bad to help it, but it was impossible without causing a car accident. In my car mirror, I saw the little thing struggling to get out of the road, and then it suddenly went very still. I felt so bad for it. It also made me think about how much I don’t ever want to die alone.

Pain this week has been absolutely horrible. I am fed up, but I have to keep going. Tomorrow and Sunday, we are having our craft sale. I have a feeling Monday and Tuesday will be spent trying to recoup from the pain this weekend will bring. I’ve been using the CBD oil, but haven’t really noticed any changes so far. From my understanding, it may take a while. I’ve been very good about taking my antidepressant on time every night, so my mood has been pretty stable. I’m still taking Hydrocodone for pain relief, but I’ve been on it so long that it doesn’t work as well as it used to. I’m thinking about trying hypnotherapy next. Has anyone tried this for pain relief?

I know that I write and post my poems on here once in a while, but I do not consider myself a poet by any means. I know there are many forms of poetry, but if you ask me what I write in or what my favorite style is, I’ll probably just shrug, smile and say, the rhyming kind? That being said, I would like to become a better writer and I am open to constructive criticism. Don’t be shy.

Well friends, that’s all for now. I wish you all a wonderful weekend. 😊

With love,

J♡