Have You Ever?

Have you ever felt like there was no one you could talk to, even when there was? Have you kept your innermost thoughts from your trusted loved ones, because you didn’t want to cause them worry or add stress to their life? Have you ever felt like you couldn’t talk to a therapist because of fear that they might lock you up? Have you purposely avoided checking certain boxes under the “mental health” portion of your medical evaluation paperwork, for fear you’d be seen as unstable? If you answered yes to any of these, then welcome to my boat…grab a life vest and a paddle; I’ve already packed the snacks.

Not too long ago, I was dealing with some pretty dark thoughts. While I know that I would not act on any of them, I don’t know that others would be so easily convinced. I didn’t want to tell my family because they already have enough to deal with. I didn’t want to tell my therapist, because although there is a doctor/patient confidentiality, I feared my words would somehow make their way to other parties. I was really feeling like I needed to carry the depression box all by myself. I did finally tell my husband about the box, without emptying all of it’s contents.

This is something I’ve been wanting to talk about on here as well, but the timing was not right. Even now, I am trying to choose my words carefully.

What are your thoughts, am I maybe being too cautious? I wonder if similar views/fears are the reason why a lot of people suffer in silence. Although most of those dark thoughts have subsided, it feels good to be able to share some of what I’ve been holding onto. Thanks for allowing me a safe space to do so. Also, sorry in advance for any typos or if I’m not making as much sense as I think, as I’m still on loopy pills (pain killers). Sending hugs to whoever may need one. If you ever need someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me.

With love,

J♡

17 thoughts on “Have You Ever?

  1. Sometimes I have a little something into a post, almost scared that someone will notice it and give me their opinion or advice. I just felt I needed to. Sometimes nobody seems to notice that I just risked part of myself that is vulnerable. But other times, the comments I have received have been quite amazing, and have been very helpful.

    It always feels like a gamble because you really do no know who will begin to understand and what they will say.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. J, it’s the pain talking when dark thoughts come to mind. I get them sometimes as well. Once the pain med kicks in, all darkness goes away. 😁It’s like you said, you won’t act on them. You are sane. You know the real you.💕

    However, in this World today, go with your gut because the system is screwed. It’s the crazy white supremacist shit that needs MAJOR ALERT. It’s like we’re going backwards in time.

    The dark thoughts taken into action are those by the nutcase in the White House.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yes, I often feel (and know) if I would express my dark thoughts to another person I would be sent to a psychiatric care facility. These thoughts do not last long, but when I am on my third or fourth day of intense pain… when I wake up and feel the pain begin… I often wonder if I’d be better off just not waking up. I learned that I do have depression, I take my Zoloft! The most interesting thing is that I recently learned depression flares, just like pain. So I know if I can just wait it out, turn down the negative self-talk, focus on anything but the depression that tells me lies, like a smash book I put together filled with good memories… my depression flare (a TEMPORARY increase in symptoms) will pass. Have I made the wrong decision in the past, yep. But I’m still here! You are still here. And we DO FIT in this world, we are still needed here. x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are absolutely right about depression flares. I hadn’t really thought about it that way before, though. I love the smash book idea! I’m so thankful that you are still here!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. As a society we shun this type of talk. But look at the life’s this approach ruins. We need to be more open. I’ve changed. Over the last few years I’ve been to some dark places to. But I’ve been fortunate, because of my son Ive got through them. But I do really understand why people decide it’s now too much. IT gets me so annoyed when I hear some of the misinformed crap some people talk about when they judge people who have said enough is enough. I’ve been trying to write a post(s) about this but just can’t get the words right. I hope you know that the listening thoughts a reciprocated here.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are right. Oh goodness, the things I’ve heard people say about others who couldn’t take it any more…heartbreaking. I think unfortunately this another one of those things, that if you haven’t lived through it, it’s hard to understand. One thing I’ve noticed a lot lately on social media…people will post about how we need depression awareness, but the moment someone opens up about their struggles, no one really steps in. I’m so glad you have your son to pull you through those thoughts and so thankful you are here. Yes I do, thank you.

      Like

  5. Oh, sweetheart. We all have those boxes and carry them around with us! Lord knows I do, and so many other people who look perfectly happy do! You don’t need to carry your box alone! Feel free to empty it here or reach out privately any time! Even if all I can do is understand that it’s tough!

    Much love your way, hope you’re doing well! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Jay! I hope you know you can do the same, any time❤.
      It has been a long and trying month with some new-ish health issues. I really need to write a post. I hope that you are doing well. God bless you, dear.

      Liked by 1 person

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