Yup, lots of tears the last few days, but today is especially bad. Feel really happy: burst into tears, see something sad: burst into tears, take a bite of turkey sandwich: burst into tears. You get the idea. I can’t decide if I’m relieved to be by myself so no one sees me ugly cry or if it makes me feel more lonely.
I’ve been bouncing between an almost euphoric state and absolute painful gut wrenching sadness over, well pretty much anything or nothing at all lately, and it’s exhausting. I don’t know how to keep up with my own emotions. I am thankful for the ones who ask if I’m ok and when I say “no”, they simply hug me because they know I may not have the answers to their questions. A lot of times people want to ask, “why are you feeling this way?”. Truth is many of us don’t know; we’re trying to make sense of it ourselves.
I’m used to the up down rollercoaster of emotions, but I feel like it’s intensified greatly over the last several months. I’ve been really good about taking my antidepressant regularly (except last night…oops), so I don’t think it’s that. I have been on the same medication for so long though, that maybe I need a different dose or something in addition to it.
I’ve noticed some other things with my mental well-being that are out of the ordinary for me, so I think it’s time for a little reevaluation. I have to tell you guys, I’m kind of proud of myself (I’m a big time procrastinator), but I actually called my insurance to help me find a psychiatrist and go back to my old psychologist. I have my first appointment with the psychologist on Monday. I feel like I’m taking a step in the right direction to take care of myself. In the past, I’ve done the same thing with therapy as I’ve done with medication, get to a point where I’m feeling good and then just stop because I don’t think I need it. I’m going to try very hard not to do that this time around.
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