Ugly Crying by Myself

Yup, lots of tears the last few days, but today is especially bad. Feel really happy: burst into tears, see something sad: burst into tears, take a bite of turkey sandwich: burst into tears. You get the idea. I can’t decide if I’m relieved to be by myself so no one sees me ugly cry or if it makes me feel more lonely.

I’ve been bouncing between an almost euphoric state and absolute painful gut wrenching sadness over, well pretty much anything or nothing at all lately, and it’s exhausting. I don’t know how to keep up with my own emotions. I am thankful for the ones who ask if I’m ok and when I say “no”, they simply hug me because they know I may not have the answers to their questions. A lot of times people want to ask, “why are you feeling this way?”. Truth is many of us don’t know; we’re trying to make sense of it ourselves.

I’m used to the up down rollercoaster of emotions, but I feel like it’s intensified greatly over the last several months. I’ve been really good about taking my antidepressant regularly (except last night…oops), so I don’t think it’s that. I have been on the same medication for so long though, that maybe I need a different dose or something in addition to it.

I’ve noticed some other things with my mental well-being that are out of the ordinary for me, so I think it’s time for a little reevaluation. I have to tell you guys, I’m kind of proud of myself (I’m a big time procrastinator), but I actually called my insurance to help me find a psychiatrist and go back to my old psychologist. I have my first appointment with the psychologist on Monday. I feel like I’m taking a step in the right direction to take care of myself. In the past, I’ve done the same thing with therapy as I’ve done with medication, get to a point where I’m feeling good and then just stop because I don’t think I need it. I’m going to try very hard not to do that this time around.

With love,


Image from pixabay

22 thoughts on “Ugly Crying by Myself

  1. I’m sure you heard this already, I’m very sorry for the rollercoaster you’re in. I’m glad to hear that you’re going in for a reevaluation.

    Now, I don’t know where you live but if the Season has changed, you might be feeling emotional with less sunlight and timechange. D3 is suppose to help a lot, also infrared red light for the seasonal depressions.

    I tell folks to get their cardio in to lift serotonin levels naturally especially if you’re already on an antidepressant. Also dark chocolate at 85% or greater is very good to lift serotonin. I just made a batch with a variety of nuts and put stevia to sweeten up the strong cocoa taste. I melt it, put stevia and then add the chopped nuts. Into freezer until hard. Take out and let thaw 30mins and use butter knife to lift entire circle of chocolate. Then break into small pieces. Very healthy. Btw, I put it in a frying pan after mixing and into freezer. Missed that part.

    Also chai tea helps.
    And make sure you’re eating small meals about 5 times a day.

    Turn on lights when it gets dark early, it makes a hugh difference

    Finally, if exercise and eating smaller meals/snacks doesn’t help with all other tips, you might need either a stronger dose of your antidepressant or a benzodiazepine to go with it .

    Don’t know your age so if you’re pregnant or going through menopause. So many things.

    Be well dear. Remember, I suffer from chronic back pain and the anxiety that comes from it so I know a few things that help. Plus, I’m not only an empowerment coach, I train and do nutritional consults.


    Liked by 1 person

    1. Emma, thank you so much for taking the time to offer advice! I’m in Arizona, so we don’t really experience the dramatic weather changes. Oddly enough, I find that I am most at peace/happy when the weather is colder, overcast, rainy…I’m a little backwards I think lol. I used to run when I was younger, to relieve stress, but between the fibromyalgia and chronic back pain, I just don’t move the way I used to. I’m still recovering from my last spine fusion, but I’d like to at least try some light yoga after that to start. As for the dark chocolate…yes please! Thank you; I will definitely have to try this one! I’m not a great eater, which is something I really need to work on as well.
      Thanks again for the advice! I hope your back is being kind to you. ♡

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah, don’t run just try walking or swimming, whatever light cardio you enjoy.

        Yoga can be tricky because it can cause more pain.

        I take tramadol for pain so you should be on some sort of pain medication. Pain is tricky and causes a lot of depressive feelings but it’s all do to the pain.

        Arizona will definitely give you the d3 you need for pain, etc. Make sure you get at least an hour of it

        Blessings, Emma

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, and getting as much natural sunlight on your skin (as long as you don’t burn) is also helpful. Apparently there are major benefits to health beyond the traditional explanation of vitamin D creation. Something to do with light waves interacting with individual cells in a positive way. This is a tricky one for me as I live in rainy Scotland, especially this time of the year…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Perhaps we should trade places! I’m in Arizona where sunshine is abundant. While I’m sure the benefits for health are great, I crave rainy weather. Something about it lifts my mood tremendously, although the fibromyalgia is not as fond of it as I am.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I love Arizona. But I think too much rain or sun eventually gets old. A nice balance would be good. It rains for weeks in Glasgow! A bit like Seattle. I crave dry, bright weather. Scotland = cold and damp….

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi J, thanks for sharing your experiences. I’ve suffered from ME for 18 years or more and what you describe is familiar to me. Which is not to say that what makes me emotionally fragile is the same thing that makes you that way. But I find the combination of chronic pain and fatigue have a profound effect upon my emotional reilience, my patience, my tolerance of frustration, and my ability to mange my feelings in the way I usually do. I continually underestimate the amount of rest I need and how little energy I have to go round (and I don’t simply mean physical energy, but energy required to think, plan and be resilient emotionally).

    I started taking LDN (Low Dose Naltrexone) a few months ago after convincing my doctor to prescribe it. It has been the most effective medication I’ve used so far and has drastically reduced my periods of acute symptoms, migraines etc. Tramadol, DHC, Co-codamol never really helped me much. I also sleep ten times better on LDN. You can find out more from the LDN Research Trust. I have to say that by helping with the acute pain it has also helped me cope better emotionally by kind of evening out my energy.

    I hope this finds you well and pain-free.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Stephen,
      Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences as well. I’m so sorry that you are suffering as well. It seems that the physical, emotional and mental symptoms feed off each other in a never ending cycle. The depression causes more pain and the more pain I’m in leads to a deeper depression. Thank you for telling me about LDN, it is something I will definitely look into. In fact, I’m seeing my pain specialist this week and will ask her about it. I wonder if this is something I could take in addition to my long term frenemy, Cymbalta? I hope you have a lovely, pain free and happy weekend.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hi J, thanks. Yes being ill is a drag but what can we do?

        You would need to look into any drug interaction evidence between Cymbalta (Duloxetine) and LDN. LDN has cautions when using opiods but you can still use Tramadol for example as long as it’s under medical direction. Expect your regular medical support not to know much about LDN in the first instance. You may well have to educate them on it and point them to the right information. LDN Research Trust is a good place to start. As it also boosts endorphins it can potentially lift your mood and alleviate your pain. I’ve experienced this myself to some degree.

        The only other thing that helps me is aspirin for some levels of pain and Ashwagandha, which if taken daily helps my sleep and energy a little.

        Take care and have a good weekend too.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Try to find the positive in it.

        Thanks for the heads up. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve done my own research and printed out the information to bring to my physician ha! I’m glad to hear that it has been helpful for you. Aspirin can definitely be a big help, just harmful on the body if taken too much. I have to avoid it due to GERD and recent spine surgery though. Unfortunately, Tylenol just doesn’t touch the pain.

        Thank you

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Stephen! Well, it looks like there’s a possibility of a new diagnosis, but because he is a good psychologist, he’s not going to slap that label on me without first investigating and ruling things out. Step 1: Mood tracker sheet

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hi J. From what you’ve said I’d also be interested in looking at any connections between your pain/ fatigue levels and mood, in case it’s those that are affecting how you feel…

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’d say it’s a good possibility. The psychologist also mentioned that maybe my doctor would want to try me on a mood stabilizer either with Duloxetine or while weaning off of it. It may be that I just need a new dose. The other possibility mentioned is bipolar disorder…
        Time will tell I suppose.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Hi J, sorry I missed your reply. In your mood monitoring chart you could always add two more columns – one for pain and the other for energy 0 to 10 – to see for yourself if there’s a pattern. It wouldn’t upset the mood chart at all. If it is caused by pain and fatigue then at least you’d know. Hope all’s well. Stephen

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Hi Stephen. No worries at all! Thank you for the advice! There is already a column for energy level, but I did add pain to my chart as well. I’ve only filled out 5 days so far and I haven’t really looked for a pattern, but I can see that my little ‘x’s are all over the map. Should be interesting to see how everything comes together after tracking for a month.

        Liked by 1 person

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