I haven’t felt much like writing this past week. Honestly, I haven’t felt like doing much of anything. I haven’t been much in the mood for chatting. I scroll through Facebook mindlessly. I haven’t wanted to sew or make jewelry. I haven’t wanted to do housework. I haven’t wanted to shower (I have though, because well, it’s important), but then I just put pajamas or sweats back on. I think I’ve only put on real clothes once or twice this week. I’ve spent a lot of time sleeping (fibro, recovering from surgery, and a virus have made this worse). It’s safe in my bed, but then I feel such guilt for not spending enough time with my family.
Most days I haven’t been very happy, but not sad either. I’ve just been kind of existing. I don’t like it there…just existing…it frightens me. It feels so isolated and empty. It’s where I store my ‘f*#k-it-bucket’. The receptacle in which I place thoughts like, if I died in a car accident and other equally unpleasant thoughts. Just existing feels like I am completely without emotion and incapable of finding any that is genuine. Sure, you’ll see emotion from me, but if you know me well enough, you’ll realize that it doesn’t seem the same; it will seem more forced, because it is. Oddly enough, my moments of just existing are the times when my anxiety lowers. A trip to the store that I would normally have to build up the courage to take, suddenly isn’t scary. It’s hard to feel anxious when you’re not really feeling anything.
The just existing has taken breaks however, for moments of pure sadness. I’ve gone from feeling empty to feeling like there’s a giant hole in my heart, and sadness so intense it literally hurts my chest. I kept trying to supress that ache the last few days until last night. I could no longer push it down. I had a few total meltdowns, sobbing and aching deep inside with no explanation. Somehow, I think maybe it helped.
Today, I’m more on the the existing with a tad of happiness and a smidge of motivation. I never know when I’ll be thrown in a different direction, so for now I will take advantage of this the best that I can.
Take care friends.
With love, J♡