Just Existing

I haven’t felt much like writing this past week. Honestly, I haven’t felt like doing much of anything. I haven’t been much in the mood for chatting. I scroll through Facebook mindlessly. I haven’t wanted to sew or make jewelry. I haven’t wanted to do housework. I haven’t wanted to shower (I have though, because well, it’s important), but then I just put pajamas or sweats back on. I think I’ve only put on real clothes once or twice this week. I’ve spent a lot of time sleeping (fibro, recovering from surgery, and a virus have made this worse). It’s safe in my bed, but then I feel such guilt for not spending enough time with my family.

Most days I haven’t been very happy, but not sad either. I’ve just been kind of existing. I don’t like it there…just existing…it frightens me. It feels so isolated and empty. It’s where I store my ‘f*#k-it-bucket’. The receptacle in which I place thoughts like, if I died in a car accident and other equally unpleasant thoughts. Just existing feels like I am completely without emotion and incapable of finding any that is genuine. Sure, you’ll see emotion from me, but if you know me well enough, you’ll realize that it doesn’t seem the same; it will seem more forced, because it is. Oddly enough, my moments of just existing are the times when my anxiety lowers. A trip to the store that I would normally have to build up the courage to take, suddenly isn’t scary. It’s hard to feel anxious when you’re not really feeling anything.

The just existing has taken breaks however, for moments of pure sadness. I’ve gone from feeling empty to feeling like there’s a giant hole in my heart, and sadness so intense it literally hurts my chest. I kept trying to supress that ache the last few days until last night. I could no longer push it down. I had a few total meltdowns, sobbing and aching deep inside with no explanation. Somehow, I think maybe it helped.

Today, I’m more on the the existing with a tad of happiness and a smidge of motivation. I never know when I’ll be thrown in a different direction, so for now I will take advantage of this the best that I can.

Take care friends.

With love, J♡

14 thoughts on “Just Existing

  1. It’s okay to spend time putting YOU first before family or anything else. Too often, we begin to feel guilty when we are pampering or loving ourselves.

    I just returned from a weekend trip in Chicago and got sick. Bad cold with infection. Sonething I haven’t gotten in 15 yrs. I suffer from chronic back pain and anxiety. So those meds work for so many things.

    Anyhow, I’ve learned the hard way that “The best love you will always get is the one you give yourself ” With pain, you learn to be a warrior for living life.

    I know you’re a warrior …

    Much light, Emma

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for this reminder, Emma! I’m sorry to hear that you got sick on top of already dealing with chronic issues. I know it’s not easy. I hope you feel better very soon. ♡

      Liked by 1 person

  2. My gosh…you’re words are so familiar! Familiar beyond belief! My heart aches for you, for the “suspension “ of “just existing”. All of your conditions are far more complex than most have ever dealt with on even a singular experience. Your cross has much weight to it…more than most…
    May you regain again as I know you do, cause I’ve witnessed your “comebacks “. But, in the meantime, allow yourself to acknowledge this time of “existing”…embrace yourself! Let your love in for yourself…breathe…and fake it a little in the sense of “fake it till you make it” and hopefully this blend moves you forward and beyond “just existing”.
    Much love and respect!
    Bless up!
    ❤️ Sunny

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I definitely agree, which is why that feeling of nothingness, of just existing scares me. Staying too long in that place in the past, led me to a dark place that I don’t want to go again.

      Like

  3. Again, a very familiar cycle for me too based on low energy and chronic pain impacting upon motivation, mood and meaning of life. Hope you can get a hold of some LDN to try. In the meantime it sounds like you have some decent, supportive people following your blog. Thank you for your openness and honesty. All the best for now…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 😢 It saddens me that too many people are familiar with this…I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
      Indeed I do; thank you for being one of them! I’ve only been a part of this community for a little over a month, but I am amazed by the kindness and support bloggers have for each other. I think that has really helped me lately.
      J♡

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I know that I fall short constantly, but the kiddos seem to be able to overlook that (how’s that for love?). I’m so sorry that you are going through all this. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you. From your blog, it sounds like you are doing an amazing job. All we can do is make the best of the better days and know that we’ve made it through the bad ones and will make it through the next one too. Sending big hugs and prayers.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sending hugs back, I think everyone falls short . Not sure if there is a bar we are supposed to reach, The fact fact that kids overlook our failed attempts is a really good indication that we are heading generally in the right direction. I think it’s great for other people in similar situations to hear your story. It will help people. It helps me. Thank you.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you; I really appreciate that. I think you’re right. When my daughter says something like, “I’m so lucky to have a mom like you”, it gives me that little boost I need to get through the next moment, day, etc. If I can help just one person by sharing my experiences, then these battles within myself will not have been for nothing. – All the best, J

        Liked by 1 person

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