Happy Easter and an Update

My dear friends, Happy Easter!

I know I’ve been pretty absent on here this month; I’m sorry. My mind has been all over the place and pain levels have been topping the scale. I’m mad at myself for letting my blog slide to the back burner, and more mad that I haven’t been keeping up with everyone else’s posts. I feel like I’m just playing this giant game of catch-up in life. With everything, I just want to get to the point where things are done routinely…but I’ll never get there until I win this game of catch-up. Some days it seems impossible. Some days I try very hard to accomplish everything I’ve slacked on, and then I spend several days letting it all slide again while my mind and body recover.

Speaking of pain, I met with the physician assistant at my pain clinic last week. I opted not to refill my Hydrocodone prescription (probably a stupid idea), but it doesn’t really do much for the pain. It just kind of puts me in a mild temporary high that allows me to forget the level of pain I’m at. We’ve decided to move forward with the nerve stimulation trial. They require a one time visit with a psychiatrist before proceeding, so I’m just waiting for that call. If the trial offers a great deal of pain relief, I’ll meet with my spine surgeon to discuss the permanent implant. I’ll keep you all posted as I go through this process. I have some other health concerns that I’m going to address with my family doctor this week. Something in my body just doesn’t feel right and it makes me a bit nervous. Who knows, maybe it’s just more of fibromyalgia’s surprise symptoms, but better safe than sorry.

I guess that’s all for now. I hope that you all are doing well and had a lovely weekend. Xo

With love,

J♡

A Bit of This and That

Good morning (afternoon/evening), friends! Here’s my random post for this Friday…it is Friday, right?! My days and times get so mixed up.

My son is fascinated by accents, as am I. Truth be told I’ve always been a bit jealous that I don’t have one. Although, maybe to others, I do? Anyway, my son has a report he’s working on at school that led him to want to try speaking in a British accent. To YouTube we went…so many great teaching videos on there. I think I need more practice. I sound ridiculous, I’m sure. Any suggestions?

As I was heading to pick the kids up from school yesterday, I saw a power wheelchair stopped in the bike lane. Wanting to make sure someone wasn’t stranded in need of help, I glanced over. The chair was empty. Looked over past the sidewalk and a man appeared to be relieving his bladder against the wall. I thought for just a second about calling it in, but I don’t want someone to end up with a sex offender title simply because they couldn’t hold their pee. I hope I made the right decision.

This morning on my way home from dropping the kids at school, I witnessed a poor bird die. He fluttered real hard into the street and when I got a better look, he’s wings looked very damaged. He probably had been hit by a car. I wanted so bad to help it, but it was impossible without causing a car accident. In my car mirror, I saw the little thing struggling to get out of the road, and then it suddenly went very still. I felt so bad for it. It also made me think about how much I don’t ever want to die alone.

Pain this week has been absolutely horrible. I am fed up, but I have to keep going. Tomorrow and Sunday, we are having our craft sale. I have a feeling Monday and Tuesday will be spent trying to recoup from the pain this weekend will bring. I’ve been using the CBD oil, but haven’t really noticed any changes so far. From my understanding, it may take a while. I’ve been very good about taking my antidepressant on time every night, so my mood has been pretty stable. I’m still taking Hydrocodone for pain relief, but I’ve been on it so long that it doesn’t work as well as it used to. I’m thinking about trying hypnotherapy next. Has anyone tried this for pain relief?

I know that I write and post my poems on here once in a while, but I do not consider myself a poet by any means. I know there are many forms of poetry, but if you ask me what I write in or what my favorite style is, I’ll probably just shrug, smile and say, the rhyming kind? That being said, I would like to become a better writer and I am open to constructive criticism. Don’t be shy.

Well friends, that’s all for now. I wish you all a wonderful weekend. 😊

With love,

J♡

Gift of Love

I was walking down the windy path

With my head hung low

When something stopped me

In my tracks

That wasn’t there before

In front of me stood

A magnificent tree

Long sturdy branches

But not a single leaf

This beautiful bit of nature

Not another looked the same

Something so comfortable

It seemed to call my name

I had been feeling so down

So lost and alone

Perhaps I’d sit beneath this tree

Before heading home

Not feeling much like speaking

To anyone before

From my heart to my lips

The words did then pour

I asked if He could hear me

And then began to cry

Suddenly something glistened

Catching the attention of my eye

As I peered upward

Beautiful green

I did see

Was my prayer heard

Represented by this leaf

Fascinated and filled with hope

In disbelief walked away

I would return again

To rest my soul and pray

Every time I spoke my heart

For only Him to hear

On those heart shaped branches

A lovely new leaf would appear

This was a gift of love

When I needed it the most

His presence He did make

In nature’s lovely host

Thank you for reading.

With love,

J♡

Don’t Drink That

I just ruined a perfectly delicious cup of coffee by adding chocolate whey-protein to it. It is whey disgusting! The directions said I could add it to my favorite beverage, and that just happens to be coffee. Chocolate and coffee sounded like a delicious combination, but I was so very wrong. What now sits in my favorite mug, is this thick, gritty, foamy consistency that I just about spewed across the room. I didn’t want to be a quitter though, so I took a second sip, and a third. Nope…still horrid. I’m going to put it down the drain where it belongs and brew a fresh pot of coffee while I write this post. The weight gain attempt will just have to wait.

I’ve always been one of those people who struggle to put/keep on weight. The most I’ve ever weighed was 120lbs when I gained 35lbs during my first pregnancy. Some people may think, wow, your so lucky to be thin. Wrong. I hate it, always have. Besides the fact that it’s hard to find clothes to fit, it’s the comments and assumptions from people, that suck.

Oh my gosh, you’re so skinny!

Don’t you ever eat?!

You must be anorexic!

Real women have curves!

Only dogs like bones!

Have you done drugs?!

During my teen years, when depression first knocked on my door, these types of comments didn’t help. I tried not to let them get to me. At least at that time, I still had my physical health. Contrary to what others thought, my weight wasn’t a health problem. I was active. I danced my heart out in my free time and ran for fun (and track, my freshman year). I may have been thin, but I was also very strong.

Fast forward to now (age 32), and my weight, or lack of, really gets to me. I’m back at 88lbs. I’m not active like I used to be, so now I’m just thin and not muscular. This definitely feeds the depression and anxiety, and those feed the fibromyalgia. Despite my husband’s reassurances, I find myself worrying if he’s still attracted to me. What if I only get worse over the years?

One thing I’ve heard so many times since being diagnosed with fibro, is that exercise really helps. Well that would be great, but I’m in too much pain to do that. If I can manage to switch over the laundry and do the dishes, I consider it exercise because it feels like I just spent an hour at the gym, without the muscles to show for it.

My appetite isn’t great. Pain often leaves me feeling queesy, and fatigue means that many times I’ll choose a nap over food. I really want to gain weight. I’ve always wanted to get to 110lbs so I can donate blood. I’ve decided to try supplements…clearly they whey protein is not the one for me. There’s a pill out there that I’m going to try soon that is supposed to increase your appetite and help you gain/keep the weight. We’ll see.

In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy this fresh cup of delicious coffee. Remember to always be kind to others, and never judge. You never know what they are going through or why they are the way they are.

As always, thanks for letting me babble on. Hugs to all.

With love,

J♡

Changes

Hi, everyone! I’ve upgraded my account and will be playing around with some changes.

I’m not very tech savvy, so I apologize in advance if I goof something up and my blog becomes difficult to read or anything of that nature. Hopefully the process won’t be as intimidating as it seems. Thanks for sticking with me. I appreciate you all more than you know!

With love,

J♡

Random Life Post for the Weekend

I was blessed with a mild pain day, yesterday. Today unfortunately, is a 12/10 on the pain scale sort of day. It’s okay though; I know I’ll get through it like I have before. The kids have been so well behaved, helpful, and sweet today. It really makes a huge difference on days like these.

I saw the physician assistant at the pain clinic on Thursday. She is amazing and always doing what she can to help with symptoms. She and I have discussed doing a nerve stimulation implant trial. We both feel it would be a great option for me. However, if it worked, to have the permanent implant placed, would mean another major surgery. This idea makes my family nervous and they want me to try medical marijuana first. I’m okay with this, but I do think that overall, it could be very costly. While I’m looking into getting my medical card, the PA recommended I try the cbd oil. It’s 1mL under the tounge, 1-2 times a day. I’ve now taken 5 doses. I haven’t noticed a difference in pain yet, but I do think it may be helping improve my appetite and lower stress and anxiety. We shall see how things go with continuous use.

For months and months, I’ve been debating deactivating my Facebook account. The biggest reason I haven’t is so I can keep up with what’s going on with family and see pictures that the school posts. I hardly use the app anymore, but when I do, I end up feeling crappy. It’s always the same stuff – political posts, memes, and pictures of how perfectly wonderful life is.

I am so incredibly thankful for the friendship the kids have made with the little boy across the street (the one I mentioned previously). They are so anxious to play together every day, especially my daughter and the kiddo. How incredible it would be to see them grow up to be lifelong friends. I wish I could say that I was still connected with my childhood friends, but sadly, we’ve become more like aquaintences. Forming a new friendship in the adult world seems so much harder. I wish it were still as easy as playing together on the playground and then deciding that you are now friends.

Yesterday, the kiddos had a “Fun Run” at school. The music plays, and the kids run laps on the field and through the giant inflatable mascot to raise money for the school. People can make fixed donations or a price per lap donation. All the kids wear a cool shirt with numbers 1-30 on the back, and as they cross the line, teachers/parent volunteers (myself included), mark off the number as they complete each lap. My kiddos had 2 different run times. The little kids were so full of energy. My son originally told me I could “watch from the parking lot”, haha. He didn’t want to be embarrassed. But, there I was on the field, helping to mark shirts. I must have gained back my cool mom points, because he gave me lots of hugs in front of everyone. 😊

I still insist that I don’t want to live in Arizona forever. While I’m here though, I can still enjoy our beautiful sunsets. This shot was from our neighborhood. So peaceful.

I’ve been doing quite a bit of sewing to get ready for the craft sale we are doing next weekend. I would like to work on it so much more, I just don’t have the energy lately.

On better pain days, it so much fun to go riding with my husband. It is so freeing and such a stress reliever. I like to spread my arms out and be a bird while we ride. This is from when we took a ride up to Saguaro Lake while the kids were in school. Looking forward to the next trip.

So, even though today is a very bad pain day, it doesn’t have to be a bad day; there are still things to smile about.

Thanks for taking your time to stop by and share in this journey with me. Happy weekend to you all.

With love,

J♡